[There's another flinch at his second sentence, the same as her name.]
I won't.
I can't change that I'm the Pillar, and... right now, I... I don't remember enough to make a choice for it even if I wanted. My mind doesn't want to think about any of it.
What my heart knows, though, is that I can't... I can't let myself repeat whatever happened. The Pillar has the strength of heart to do whatever their belief can hold. I can't let it continue to fall apart, but I can't just let myself turn into another Emeraude.
I... don't know what it will cost, and I might die. I... think I might have been dying, before I came here... [Her fingers trace the remnants of healed gashes, against her neck, reflected all over her body.] But even if I forget everything else... I'm going to find another way.
If the Pillar can do anything with their beliefs, then... I believe you can change things.
(History doesn't have to repeat. As long as someone remembers someone can keep it from happening again. And yet, he doesn't say this out loud because given their missing memories and so on... this is difficult to bring up.)
Right now. If you went back home right now, what do you think you would do?
It means remembering how Alex-san and Yoshizawa-chan were worried when I climbed a tree all by myself, and knowing I can be brave even if I'm foolish.
It means remembering how Rufus-san and I could only talk by using our questions as payment to each other, and knowing I want to keep understanding, even if someone else doesn't.
It means remembering how many people have scolded me or chided me or encouraged me or screamed at me or even hit me, because I made a mistake that I wanted to help, and knowing that my lack of knowledge doesn't make me any more innocent, no matter whether I'm compassionate or not.
It means remembering sitting out in the grass with Raven, or Chijin or Shigeo-kun... or Nii-chan. And seeing them smile, and feeling happy. Wanting them to be happy, and wanting to be happy, too.
It means remembering that I asked Hua-chan to take off my braid, to remind me that even though my mind is losing my past, and my heart is angry and tired and scared... If I focus on that, on trying to keep both, then my heart will fall apart. But I can't ignore them, either.
I don't need to remember who or how or why. Who I am, what I want, what will happen... it's missing, and I'm... I'm really, really scared, Nii-chan. But it will grow back, even if it has to look a little different for a while. Like a lock of hair.
I... have enough of myself, whoever I am now, with the people who care about me... to know that I don't want it to all go away. So even if I forget everything else...
I'm going to live. For myself, and for the people here who love me.
(I wish I had the energy to write a shounen/shoujo speech on my phone like this but alas, I am weak and can only give #respect
But Claude waits, giving her time to choose her words, and when she finishes, he does the same. He waits, picks his words carefully, and speaks lightly,)
It sounds like you've got the right idea.
(And he's just going to wrap his arm around her shoulders, pulling her a little closer and resting his hand on top of her hair, brushing it with his fingers gently,)
The living are incredible. Think about every incredible thing that's ever been done... those were done by the living. Even the things that seemed impossible were accomplished just because someone was alive.
As long as you live, you can do anything... For better or worse.
(Ah, his words feel a little heavier, now.)
I've never believed in gods or goddesses... and I don't really accept this idea of a "Pillar" either. But I believe in you.
It's a warm and pleasant feeling, for the barrier between them to be broken, just a little. She lets her legs curl towards her as he pulls her closer, what little surprised resisitance she has melting away to just leaning into his touch.
This... made her happy. This she could remember with all her heart, couldn't she?
...]
I don't think the Pillar is a bad idea, or the existence of a world of belief. But...
I think... it could be a lot better. A world like that... it needs to be shared with all of the people who care for it. The good and the bad.
I don't think so either. There's nothing wrong with believing in something or someone. These things can inspire people to be better and give them hope... those are good things.
(He's honestly so very tired right now but at least, speaking to Hikaru helps give him some comfort like this,)
But it's important to believe in other things, too. Other people, yourself, a better world. I think you can do it. ... We can do it. If we just keep our eyes open to everything...
That's the kind of world you want, too... right, Nii-chan?
One where you don't have to turn your face away from the good or the bad, but can accept the differences around you... one where people can love without being judged. [like his parents]
I think that would be a world I could do anything for, if it meant I could make it come true.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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(Everything becomes for the world until there's nothing else.)
You can't do that.
(He knows Hikaru. He knows her. She has too much love in her heart. She cares for people too much. )
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I won't.
I can't change that I'm the Pillar, and... right now, I... I don't remember enough to make a choice for it even if I wanted. My mind doesn't want to think about any of it.
What my heart knows, though, is that I can't... I can't let myself repeat whatever happened. The Pillar has the strength of heart to do whatever their belief can hold. I can't let it continue to fall apart, but I can't just let myself turn into another Emeraude.
I... don't know what it will cost, and I might die. I... think I might have been dying, before I came here... [Her fingers trace the remnants of healed gashes, against her neck, reflected all over her body.] But even if I forget everything else... I'm going to find another way.
no subject
(History doesn't have to repeat. As long as someone remembers someone can keep it from happening again. And yet, he doesn't say this out loud because given their missing memories and so on... this is difficult to bring up.)
Right now. If you went back home right now, what do you think you would do?
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Her mind says one thing. Her heart aches with another.
...
And she chooses neither.]
I would live, Nii-chan.
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(A quiet smile, tired, but warm,)
And what does living mean to you?
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[Her words come carefully, with effort.]
It means remembering how Alex-san and Yoshizawa-chan were worried when I climbed a tree all by myself, and knowing I can be brave even if I'm foolish.
It means remembering how Rufus-san and I could only talk by using our questions as payment to each other, and knowing I want to keep understanding, even if someone else doesn't.
It means remembering how many people have scolded me or chided me or encouraged me or screamed at me or even hit me, because I made a mistake that I wanted to help, and knowing that my lack of knowledge doesn't make me any more innocent, no matter whether I'm compassionate or not.
It means remembering sitting out in the grass with Raven, or Chijin or Shigeo-kun... or Nii-chan. And seeing them smile, and feeling happy. Wanting them to be happy, and wanting to be happy, too.
It means remembering that I asked Hua-chan to take off my braid, to remind me that even though my mind is losing my past, and my heart is angry and tired and scared... If I focus on that, on trying to keep both, then my heart will fall apart. But I can't ignore them, either.
I don't need to remember who or how or why. Who I am, what I want, what will happen... it's missing, and I'm... I'm really, really scared, Nii-chan. But it will grow back, even if it has to look a little different for a while. Like a lock of hair.
I... have enough of myself, whoever I am now, with the people who care about me... to know that I don't want it to all go away. So even if I forget everything else...
I'm going to live. For myself, and for the people here who love me.
no subject
But Claude waits, giving her time to choose her words, and when she finishes, he does the same. He waits, picks his words carefully, and speaks lightly,)
It sounds like you've got the right idea.
(And he's just going to wrap his arm around her shoulders, pulling her a little closer and resting his hand on top of her hair, brushing it with his fingers gently,)
The living are incredible. Think about every incredible thing that's ever been done... those were done by the living. Even the things that seemed impossible were accomplished just because someone was alive.
As long as you live, you can do anything... For better or worse.
(Ah, his words feel a little heavier, now.)
I've never believed in gods or goddesses... and I don't really accept this idea of a "Pillar" either. But I believe in you.
no subject
It's a warm and pleasant feeling, for the barrier between them to be broken, just a little. She lets her legs curl towards her as he pulls her closer, what little surprised resisitance she has melting away to just leaning into his touch.
This... made her happy. This she could remember with all her heart, couldn't she?
...]
I don't think the Pillar is a bad idea, or the existence of a world of belief. But...
I think... it could be a lot better. A world like that... it needs to be shared with all of the people who care for it. The good and the bad.
Just like the Realm.
no subject
(He's honestly so very tired right now but at least, speaking to Hikaru helps give him some comfort like this,)
But it's important to believe in other things, too. Other people, yourself, a better world. I think you can do it. ... We can do it. If we just keep our eyes open to everything...
no subject
One where you don't have to turn your face away from the good or the bad, but can accept the differences around you... one where people can love without being judged. [like his parents]
I think that would be a world I could do anything for, if it meant I could make it come true.