I know. It's just... really, really hard sometimes. When you make the same mistake, even though you're trying not to, and it... really, really hurts somebody else...
[It's a tired little quip, but it fades as she looks back down at her hands.]
I'm... part of the reason Shuuya-kun was acting weird. I tried to do something to help him talk better with the people around him, but it... didn't do what I thought it was going to do. It made everything worse.
[And. Yknow. Here they are, with Kano up for death tomorrow.]
Catches him. His heart aches for her, understanding what she'd said more than she even realizes. She's already so distressed though, it's best to not add to it for now.
... It's his secret for now. Another for his pile.)
Hikaru, what did you do?
(He might have... an idea. But nothing he can confirm until she says it for herself. He reaches out to hold her hands in his, giving them a squeeze,)
I won't be mad or anything, I promise. I just want to understand what you're saying.
(Eyes wide when he sees the stone. It's not that... he doesn't recognize it because there's some vague sense of understanding what it is but he's confused. He's clearly confused and he frowns,)
[Yeah, no, if she hadn't spoken to five other people who DID know what it was, this wouldn't be a flag.]
...Your face says no, Claude. It's... it's okay. I can tell you.
The Realm gave it to me, after I did some stuff with Cater a couple days ago. I... could us it on anyone, and it would make them want to be kinder for a day.
[She nods, and I apologize for the upcoming text wall.]
It made him want to be kinder. And he was, a little. To Alex-san, and Shigeo-kun, and a couple other people. He never really smiles, you know? I... know I named him that, but... his smiles are always sad. That's... the only way I could tell it was working, was when I saw him smiling at people like he actually meant it.
But... I...
...
Shuuya-kun is really complicated. He... hates himself a lot. He feels that everything he has to do has to be by himself, no matter what. He doesn't want friends. He doesn't want help. He just... wants to do what he feels he has to do, and I... I think he wants to make sure people think just as badly of him as he does to himself.
So to make him want to be kind, when all he wants to do is run away...
I think it just made him be even worse. He... had to work twice as hard, because the feelings weren't his own, and he knew it, and it made him look... a lot worse. Because it wasn't really like him.
...
I do know it worked, because I... told him what I did. And Shuuya-kun got really, really mad at me about it.
(AND GUESS... who relates to some of this. There are parts that don't apply to him at all but there are other things, smaller things that seem to hit Claude like a personal attack each time,)
You didn't know. (For that, he can understand why she did what did, however,) But you can't force someone to change how they feel or what they think.
(He admonishes her, softly,)
The things that bring people together are natural-- the conversations we have, the things we share, and the things we experience together. And those same things are what change people. Whether it's a single encounter or a hundred conversations... you can't take shortcuts.
(This isn't any good and he turns her hands over in his and begins to run his thumb over her fingers, coaxing them to relax. Like a mother washing a child's hands for them, washing away the dirt, making things clean again.)
I know. (She didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. She's a good kid. Too good for all of this, he thinks.) I know, Hikaru.
(And it's fine. She cry as much as she wants, say anything, or nothing at all. He understands what it's like to learn a heavy lesson and he's more than willing to help her get through it.)
[It's not a lot, thankfully. She's so tired, has cried enough since the trial ended, that now it just sort of hurts to even try. She just shudders a bit in the effort to pull herself back together, though the hurt weighs on her eyes in an odd way - not of a fresh wound, but of a reopened one, familiar and ugly.]
The last time I did this, I had to kill people who didn't deserve to die, Claude. And even though I told myself I'd never do it again, that I'd still try to follow my heart in a way that would never let me regret it so badly... this time... I'm not going to be able to do anything but watch...
I know the hurt of it is supposed to help us learn, but... I don't want it to go so far that it's just a scar over my heart...
I don't think you're alone with that. I know I've played my part in allowing things to happen back home.
(Supporting the church, letting himself be used to put down rebellions and watching others face execution for it,)
But you don't have to sit down and watch. Doing nothing would mean staying silent at these trials, not helping anyone through the week, and keeping all of your questions to yourself instead of trying to find answers.
This is a dangerous place. We're going to be hurt here and I don't think that will change any time soon. (Giving Hikaru's hand a squeeze,) But it will. We'll change this world together.
[Her hands relax just enough to rest in his, her grip surprisingly firm for her size, though it still trembles.]
I don't want the people here to have to pay for this world to be fixed with their lives... and I don't want the loss for our mistakes to be treated as nothing but a bad memory.
Even if it's dangerous... we need to keep going. I only could get through anything because I had Umi-chan and Fuu-chan with me - because we could do it together, and fight together.
So... I wanna do the same here. I want to fight this and change this, with everybody.
(Lives are precious. If he can spare anyone, he wants to. But he knows that some loss is still expected and difficult decisions will need to be made,)
You can count on me, Hikaru. And I want to count on you, too.
But for now? Take it easy. I understand that you want to do more but it's important to rest and not wear yourself out. Even a mastermind like myself needs to take a break once in awhile.
[Mmm. This is getting into uncomfy territory, but she at least doesn't sit on the thought very long.]
...I'll be okay. I had to sleep forever and get carried all over the place the last couple days, you know?
It... was really awful, to be like that. I couldn't feel any better, and a lot of people just felt really sorry or stern around me. But I don't want people to start thinking that I can't do things on my own just because I had a hard time, you know? And to see everyone look at me with eyes that hurt... that's a lot worse than being tired sometimes.
I don't think anyone faults you for having a hard time. We all have them. But that look you saw... I don't think it's exactly what you think. It wasn't pity or hurt. It was helplessness.
Seeing someone you care for in pain and not knowing how or being able to help them... that hurts.
(Just saying.)
Be a burden. Let others help you. You don't have to carry the weight of the world all by yourself.
(Real talk maybe he should take his own advice tho)
I know I don't. And I don't want to. I can't do everything by myself - nobody can. To be alone with all your hurt... that's too horrible. But I've still gotta do my part.
Besides... everybody is asking about me and I... don't ever get to ask back. I don't even know how you feel, Claude.
[She is a simple girl, a trusting girl... but if she knows anything, it is eyes that hold immense sadness, smiles that hide. They feel familiar, beyond the Realm - the whisper of a memory, of copper eyes that sank forever, determined but so deeply, deeply sad.
...
She will slip her hands out from his grip, only enough to take one of his hands in both of her own.]
You remind me of Shuuya-kun a lot. You're a lot kinder than him, but you... have the same kind of smile.
Well, we really messed up this weekend, for starters.
(He replies naturally. Is he telling the truth? Or is lying just that easy for him? Technically, it isn't even a lie. She should really be more specific with her questions.)
(This is uncomfortable and there's a twitch in his hand, as if he would hold onto her if he could but he relaxes himself once more, steels his heart, reins in his thoughts, and try to keep that perfect mask in place,)
I'm sorry, Hikaru. (Truly,) But... I made a promise... to my parents.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[...
To his question, she just shakes her head.]
No. I don't want to do it again.
no subject
Hey. (Look at him. It's okay.) Tell brother Claude what happened.
no subject
[It's a tired little quip, but it fades as she looks back down at her hands.]
I'm... part of the reason Shuuya-kun was acting weird. I tried to do something to help him talk better with the people around him, but it... didn't do what I thought it was going to do. It made everything worse.
[And. Yknow. Here they are, with Kano up for death tomorrow.]
no subject
Catches him. His heart aches for her, understanding what she'd said more than she even realizes. She's already so distressed though, it's best to not add to it for now.
... It's his secret for now. Another for his pile.)
Hikaru, what did you do?
(He might have... an idea. But nothing he can confirm until she says it for herself. He reaches out to hold her hands in his, giving them a squeeze,)
I won't be mad or anything, I promise. I just want to understand what you're saying.
no subject
She pulls one of her hands away, but only to rummage through her pocket, pulling out a small red stone.]
I used this, during the trial.
Did... you get one of these?
no subject
It... depends.
(Squint.)
no subject
...Your face says no, Claude. It's... it's okay. I can tell you.
The Realm gave it to me, after I did some stuff with Cater a couple days ago. I... could us it on anyone, and it would make them want to be kinder for a day.
no subject
(That? Was kind? He knows he was out most of trial but ????)
no subject
It made him want to be kinder. And he was, a little. To Alex-san, and Shigeo-kun, and a couple other people. He never really smiles, you know? I... know I named him that, but... his smiles are always sad. That's... the only way I could tell it was working, was when I saw him smiling at people like he actually meant it.
But... I...
...
Shuuya-kun is really complicated. He... hates himself a lot. He feels that everything he has to do has to be by himself, no matter what. He doesn't want friends. He doesn't want help. He just... wants to do what he feels he has to do, and I... I think he wants to make sure people think just as badly of him as he does to himself.
So to make him want to be kind, when all he wants to do is run away...
I think it just made him be even worse. He... had to work twice as hard, because the feelings weren't his own, and he knew it, and it made him look... a lot worse. Because it wasn't really like him.
...
I do know it worked, because I... told him what I did. And Shuuya-kun got really, really mad at me about it.
no subject
You didn't know. (For that, he can understand why she did what did, however,) But you can't force someone to change how they feel or what they think.
(He admonishes her, softly,)
The things that bring people together are natural-- the conversations we have, the things we share, and the things we experience together. And those same things are what change people. Whether it's a single encounter or a hundred conversations... you can't take shortcuts.
(Giving her hands another squeeze,)
Do you understand that now?
no subject
I never wanted to change him...
I just... wanted to help...
[Just like she always wanted to help.
Just like she wanted to help Emeraude. To help Cefiro.
Did she understand, truly, if this is what still happened?]
no subject
I know. (She didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. She's a good kid. Too good for all of this, he thinks.) I know, Hikaru.
(And it's fine. She cry as much as she wants, say anything, or nothing at all. He understands what it's like to learn a heavy lesson and he's more than willing to help her get through it.)
no subject
The last time I did this, I had to kill people who didn't deserve to die, Claude. And even though I told myself I'd never do it again, that I'd still try to follow my heart in a way that would never let me regret it so badly... this time... I'm not going to be able to do anything but watch...
I know the hurt of it is supposed to help us learn, but... I don't want it to go so far that it's just a scar over my heart...
no subject
(Supporting the church, letting himself be used to put down rebellions and watching others face execution for it,)
But you don't have to sit down and watch. Doing nothing would mean staying silent at these trials, not helping anyone through the week, and keeping all of your questions to yourself instead of trying to find answers.
This is a dangerous place. We're going to be hurt here and I don't think that will change any time soon. (Giving Hikaru's hand a squeeze,) But it will. We'll change this world together.
no subject
I don't want the people here to have to pay for this world to be fixed with their lives... and I don't want the loss for our mistakes to be treated as nothing but a bad memory.
Even if it's dangerous... we need to keep going. I only could get through anything because I had Umi-chan and Fuu-chan with me - because we could do it together, and fight together.
So... I wanna do the same here. I want to fight this and change this, with everybody.
With you, Claude.
no subject
Neither do I.
(Lives are precious. If he can spare anyone, he wants to. But he knows that some loss is still expected and difficult decisions will need to be made,)
You can count on me, Hikaru. And I want to count on you, too.
But for now? Take it easy. I understand that you want to do more but it's important to rest and not wear yourself out. Even a mastermind like myself needs to take a break once in awhile.
no subject
...I'll be okay. I had to sleep forever and get carried all over the place the last couple days, you know?
It... was really awful, to be like that. I couldn't feel any better, and a lot of people just felt really sorry or stern around me. But I don't want people to start thinking that I can't do things on my own just because I had a hard time, you know? And to see everyone look at me with eyes that hurt... that's a lot worse than being tired sometimes.
I'm not gonna be a burden.
no subject
Seeing someone you care for in pain and not knowing how or being able to help them... that hurts.
(Just saying.)
Be a burden. Let others help you. You don't have to carry the weight of the world all by yourself.
(Real talk maybe he should take his own advice tho)
no subject
There's something deeply sad in how she smiles.]
I know I don't. And I don't want to. I can't do everything by myself - nobody can. To be alone with all your hurt... that's too horrible. But I've still gotta do my part.
Besides... everybody is asking about me and I... don't ever get to ask back. I don't even know how you feel, Claude.
1/2
no subject
before looking up again, a smile on his face, perfectly practiced, charming and confident, friendly and warm
But never quite reaching,)
You could ask me now, if you'd like.
no subject
...
She will slip her hands out from his grip, only enough to take one of his hands in both of her own.]
You remind me of Shuuya-kun a lot. You're a lot kinder than him, but you... have the same kind of smile.
Could you tell me what's wrong, Claude-san?
no subject
(He replies naturally. Is he telling the truth? Or is lying just that easy for him? Technically, it isn't even a lie. She should really be more specific with her questions.)
no subject
[Her hands tighten against his, her smile sincere and gentle.]
You just told me to let myself be a burden, didn't you? Can't I ask you the same thing?
no subject
I'm sorry, Hikaru. (Truly,) But... I made a promise... to my parents.
(Another half truth.)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)