...Like your special person? The one from home you wanted by you? [She won't specify, since he never specified. But she saw that break, felt his emotions crack. Something happened.]
(He looks away which should really be all the answer she needs. Yes, she's right. That person he wanted by his side, that he keeps chasing after and trying to bring over... but nothing every time. He's just grasping at the air.)
Hikaru, why are you asking me this? Did something happen?
I remember her. She saved my life and became a professor at my school. I knew right away that she was... special. (He shifts slightly, uncomfortable,) There were two others with me when we met and we tried to convince her to lead us. To be our advisor.
She didn't... I don't think she ever gave an answer. But she was always there. I went to all of her classes, I talked to her after class whenever I could. I told her everything about me and tried to get her to choose me over the others. I remember going through a lot of things with her... I feel like we were close. At least, I wanted to be close to her.
But it all seems out of my reach. I can't remember if any of our time together means anything. I don't know... if she'll always be there or not.
[She stays quiet, listening to him talk, knowing how important it is to let him talk now that she's met some of his walls. She knows he could just smile and lie. So the fact that he doesn't...
...]
She was your Sensei, then.
Claude... do you think your professor, your special person... do you think she would have done so much with you if she didn't want to be by your side at least a little?
I... know that's a scary question to ask when I know you don't actually know for sure. But... if you told her so much about yourself, that means you trusted her. I know you tell me a lot to be careful who to trust, and I... I think it would be hard for you to trust someone else without a good reason.
I don't think Nii-chan would have put his faith into one person if he thought that person would let him down.
I think she'd be there for anyone if they asked her. She accepted everyone, no matter who they were or what they were hiding, maybe even against better judgement. And I think... she would choose any of the other two, as well.
(And maybe that's the part that makes him most anxious. That if she chose one of the others, he might not be able to accomplish their dream because them.
And really, the more he thinks about it... the more uncomfortable he starts to et. The more he begins to read into everything and the nothingness.)
[She wraps her arms against herself, shuddering a little as she draws her knees up to her chest.]
...
I think... the more memories we lose, Nii-chan, the more dangerous this kind of stuff is going to be to think about. Because we can't guess anymore, after a while. The stuff that's missing... really, really starts to hurt.
(He's quiet for awhile, just letting her words sit with him for a while. She's right. The longer this goes on, the more they're going to forget. And for someone like Claude with so many secrets... no one will be able to remember for him.)
Until we can leave this place, we won't be all of ourselves. I don't think we should let it all disappear... but clinging to what the Realm is taking will just make it bleed worse.
So... I'll remember. We're gonna find a third path for ourselves, Nii-chan. Until we reach the end of it... I'll remember for you.
I'd like that. (It would take some of the burden off of Hilda, at least, who has never liked working harder than necessary.) Give Hilda a break from remembering things for me.
Emeraude and Sol Zagato. (He says the names out loud. Interestingly, those names are easy on his tongue compared to some of the other names he's grown accustomed to here,) And her knight... I still remember them.
(Turning his head, he looks down at Hikaru, watching her face and listening to the way her voice just shakes while she tries to put up some sort of front and--)
The pillar?
(And his first thought is "support" immediately followed by a certain story about a knight that killed a princess...)
[There's another flinch at his second sentence, the same as her name.]
I won't.
I can't change that I'm the Pillar, and... right now, I... I don't remember enough to make a choice for it even if I wanted. My mind doesn't want to think about any of it.
What my heart knows, though, is that I can't... I can't let myself repeat whatever happened. The Pillar has the strength of heart to do whatever their belief can hold. I can't let it continue to fall apart, but I can't just let myself turn into another Emeraude.
I... don't know what it will cost, and I might die. I... think I might have been dying, before I came here... [Her fingers trace the remnants of healed gashes, against her neck, reflected all over her body.] But even if I forget everything else... I'm going to find another way.
If the Pillar can do anything with their beliefs, then... I believe you can change things.
(History doesn't have to repeat. As long as someone remembers someone can keep it from happening again. And yet, he doesn't say this out loud because given their missing memories and so on... this is difficult to bring up.)
Right now. If you went back home right now, what do you think you would do?
It means remembering how Alex-san and Yoshizawa-chan were worried when I climbed a tree all by myself, and knowing I can be brave even if I'm foolish.
It means remembering how Rufus-san and I could only talk by using our questions as payment to each other, and knowing I want to keep understanding, even if someone else doesn't.
It means remembering how many people have scolded me or chided me or encouraged me or screamed at me or even hit me, because I made a mistake that I wanted to help, and knowing that my lack of knowledge doesn't make me any more innocent, no matter whether I'm compassionate or not.
It means remembering sitting out in the grass with Raven, or Chijin or Shigeo-kun... or Nii-chan. And seeing them smile, and feeling happy. Wanting them to be happy, and wanting to be happy, too.
It means remembering that I asked Hua-chan to take off my braid, to remind me that even though my mind is losing my past, and my heart is angry and tired and scared... If I focus on that, on trying to keep both, then my heart will fall apart. But I can't ignore them, either.
I don't need to remember who or how or why. Who I am, what I want, what will happen... it's missing, and I'm... I'm really, really scared, Nii-chan. But it will grow back, even if it has to look a little different for a while. Like a lock of hair.
I... have enough of myself, whoever I am now, with the people who care about me... to know that I don't want it to all go away. So even if I forget everything else...
I'm going to live. For myself, and for the people here who love me.
(I wish I had the energy to write a shounen/shoujo speech on my phone like this but alas, I am weak and can only give #respect
But Claude waits, giving her time to choose her words, and when she finishes, he does the same. He waits, picks his words carefully, and speaks lightly,)
It sounds like you've got the right idea.
(And he's just going to wrap his arm around her shoulders, pulling her a little closer and resting his hand on top of her hair, brushing it with his fingers gently,)
The living are incredible. Think about every incredible thing that's ever been done... those were done by the living. Even the things that seemed impossible were accomplished just because someone was alive.
As long as you live, you can do anything... For better or worse.
(Ah, his words feel a little heavier, now.)
I've never believed in gods or goddesses... and I don't really accept this idea of a "Pillar" either. But I believe in you.
It's a warm and pleasant feeling, for the barrier between them to be broken, just a little. She lets her legs curl towards her as he pulls her closer, what little surprised resisitance she has melting away to just leaning into his touch.
This... made her happy. This she could remember with all her heart, couldn't she?
...]
I don't think the Pillar is a bad idea, or the existence of a world of belief. But...
I think... it could be a lot better. A world like that... it needs to be shared with all of the people who care for it. The good and the bad.
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Hikaru, why are you asking me this? Did something happen?
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But then he says her name, and she immediately winces.]
I just... wanted some advice, I guess.
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I remember her. She saved my life and became a professor at my school. I knew right away that she was... special. (He shifts slightly, uncomfortable,) There were two others with me when we met and we tried to convince her to lead us. To be our advisor.
She didn't... I don't think she ever gave an answer. But she was always there. I went to all of her classes, I talked to her after class whenever I could. I told her everything about me and tried to get her to choose me over the others. I remember going through a lot of things with her... I feel like we were close. At least, I wanted to be close to her.
But it all seems out of my reach. I can't remember if any of our time together means anything. I don't know... if she'll always be there or not.
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...]
She was your Sensei, then.
Claude... do you think your professor, your special person... do you think she would have done so much with you if she didn't want to be by your side at least a little?
I... know that's a scary question to ask when I know you don't actually know for sure. But... if you told her so much about yourself, that means you trusted her. I know you tell me a lot to be careful who to trust, and I... I think it would be hard for you to trust someone else without a good reason.
I don't think Nii-chan would have put his faith into one person if he thought that person would let him down.
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(He frowns,)
I think she'd be there for anyone if they asked her. She accepted everyone, no matter who they were or what they were hiding, maybe even against better judgement. And I think... she would choose any of the other two, as well.
(And maybe that's the part that makes him most anxious. That if she chose one of the others, he might not be able to accomplish their dream because them.
And really, the more he thinks about it... the more uncomfortable he starts to et. The more he begins to read into everything and the nothingness.)
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...
I think... the more memories we lose, Nii-chan, the more dangerous this kind of stuff is going to be to think about. Because we can't guess anymore, after a while. The stuff that's missing... really, really starts to hurt.
...
Do you remember your professor's name?
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Byleth Eisner.
(That's her name.)
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Can I remember her for you, Nii-chan?
Until we can leave this place, we won't be all of ourselves. I don't think we should let it all disappear... but clinging to what the Realm is taking will just make it bleed worse.
So... I'll remember. We're gonna find a third path for ourselves, Nii-chan. Until we reach the end of it... I'll remember for you.
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(And he laughs at that,)
Is there anything I can remember for you?
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Can you remember the story I told you?
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Of course.
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The princess's name was Emeraude.
The man who took her away was Sol Zagato, her high priest.
And her knight...
[A beat. The memory hurts, muddles, like glass breaking into shards.]
...her knight... doesn't remember much at all anymore.
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Emeraude and Sol Zagato. (He says the names out loud. Interestingly, those names are easy on his tongue compared to some of the other names he's grown accustomed to here,) And her knight... I still remember them.
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A Magic Knight... keeper of the Rune God Rayearth... who had to kill the Pillar of the world...
And who has to become the Pillar themselves.
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The pillar?
(And his first thought is "support" immediately followed by a certain story about a knight that killed a princess...)
Hikaru?
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Yeah.
Emeraude was the Pillar who supported the world with her prayers. Without a Pillar, Cefiro will die.
I... don't remember why I ended up there anymore. But... I know I was chosen to take Emeraude's place.
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(Everything becomes for the world until there's nothing else.)
You can't do that.
(He knows Hikaru. He knows her. She has too much love in her heart. She cares for people too much. )
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I won't.
I can't change that I'm the Pillar, and... right now, I... I don't remember enough to make a choice for it even if I wanted. My mind doesn't want to think about any of it.
What my heart knows, though, is that I can't... I can't let myself repeat whatever happened. The Pillar has the strength of heart to do whatever their belief can hold. I can't let it continue to fall apart, but I can't just let myself turn into another Emeraude.
I... don't know what it will cost, and I might die. I... think I might have been dying, before I came here... [Her fingers trace the remnants of healed gashes, against her neck, reflected all over her body.] But even if I forget everything else... I'm going to find another way.
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(History doesn't have to repeat. As long as someone remembers someone can keep it from happening again. And yet, he doesn't say this out loud because given their missing memories and so on... this is difficult to bring up.)
Right now. If you went back home right now, what do you think you would do?
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Her mind says one thing. Her heart aches with another.
...
And she chooses neither.]
I would live, Nii-chan.
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(A quiet smile, tired, but warm,)
And what does living mean to you?
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[Her words come carefully, with effort.]
It means remembering how Alex-san and Yoshizawa-chan were worried when I climbed a tree all by myself, and knowing I can be brave even if I'm foolish.
It means remembering how Rufus-san and I could only talk by using our questions as payment to each other, and knowing I want to keep understanding, even if someone else doesn't.
It means remembering how many people have scolded me or chided me or encouraged me or screamed at me or even hit me, because I made a mistake that I wanted to help, and knowing that my lack of knowledge doesn't make me any more innocent, no matter whether I'm compassionate or not.
It means remembering sitting out in the grass with Raven, or Chijin or Shigeo-kun... or Nii-chan. And seeing them smile, and feeling happy. Wanting them to be happy, and wanting to be happy, too.
It means remembering that I asked Hua-chan to take off my braid, to remind me that even though my mind is losing my past, and my heart is angry and tired and scared... If I focus on that, on trying to keep both, then my heart will fall apart. But I can't ignore them, either.
I don't need to remember who or how or why. Who I am, what I want, what will happen... it's missing, and I'm... I'm really, really scared, Nii-chan. But it will grow back, even if it has to look a little different for a while. Like a lock of hair.
I... have enough of myself, whoever I am now, with the people who care about me... to know that I don't want it to all go away. So even if I forget everything else...
I'm going to live. For myself, and for the people here who love me.
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But Claude waits, giving her time to choose her words, and when she finishes, he does the same. He waits, picks his words carefully, and speaks lightly,)
It sounds like you've got the right idea.
(And he's just going to wrap his arm around her shoulders, pulling her a little closer and resting his hand on top of her hair, brushing it with his fingers gently,)
The living are incredible. Think about every incredible thing that's ever been done... those were done by the living. Even the things that seemed impossible were accomplished just because someone was alive.
As long as you live, you can do anything... For better or worse.
(Ah, his words feel a little heavier, now.)
I've never believed in gods or goddesses... and I don't really accept this idea of a "Pillar" either. But I believe in you.
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It's a warm and pleasant feeling, for the barrier between them to be broken, just a little. She lets her legs curl towards her as he pulls her closer, what little surprised resisitance she has melting away to just leaning into his touch.
This... made her happy. This she could remember with all her heart, couldn't she?
...]
I don't think the Pillar is a bad idea, or the existence of a world of belief. But...
I think... it could be a lot better. A world like that... it needs to be shared with all of the people who care for it. The good and the bad.
Just like the Realm.
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