(Quietly, he lets Hikaru say what she has to say, feeling her hand on his forehead, something real and physical in this mess of intangible thoughts.
The difference is Emet-Selch was innocent. He hadn't gone after anyone once, had he? Hansa was protecting an innocent man. Where as his person wasn't. But she wasn't completely guilty, was she? She'd been told to make her move, put in a situation where she felt like she had to.
Hikaru wouldn't be in trouble if Kano had never been chosen. Well, maybe she would be but it wouldn't be like this, would it? She wouldn't have the guilt of his death on her.
There's just so much he could say. Cracks in logic, things that he can pick at.
And there's no point arguing is, there? That's the kind of person Hikaru is. She's kind. Too kind for this place. Too forgiving. Too gentle. So very accepting. Anything he said would just be countered, wouldn't it? He hates picking fights he can't win. Or fights that aren't worth winning.
So he's quiet and lets her words sit with him. He won't fight them. But he won't accept them either. Not completely.
He leans in, against her hand, against that touch, and
[She leans up on her knees, not removing her hand, wrapping her other arm against his neck, to rest her head against his hair.]
Thank you.
Someone once told me that it's hard when you have no one that can understand your suffering. I have to live, knowing there are people that will always blame me for what happened to Shuuya-kun, to Emeraude, and so many who would be angered at me for a foolish choice if they ever knew, even though I made that choice because I didn't want a friend to die. You have to live, knowing that there are people that will blame you for the same, that may hate you, because you made a selfish choice... because you didn't want your loved one to die.
...
I don't blame you. Or your special person. Or anyone else. I blame this place, and what it makes us have to do.
[To cause such horrible conflict with each other, to force people to make horrible choices and not be able to talk about them, to leave the burden on the innocent and the well intentioned and the frightened...
It can't be so necessary, for one place to hold so much cruelty.
Her hand gently traces into his hair, staying very still.]
Nii-chan. If people had found them... your person who you knew. If they had found they were guilty. Would you have let them go?
(His answer comes surprisingly quick for someone who'd gone through such trouble to keep that person safe.)
If there was no other choice, I would have.
(He would have pushed to catch Sharon's killer instead. To have them take Hilda's place instead. To protect the people important to him, he would have tried any option he could.)
It's okay to not be okay, Nii-chan. If I... if I had to do what you did, and somebody I cared about had to do such a horrible thing... I wouldn't want them to die, either.
But I think, no matter what happened, no matter how I chose... my heart might always feel like a hole was left behind. For me, and for my special people, and for anybody. There's... there's no answer that doesn't leave someone in pain.
I think... it would be easy, to hate myself for having to make that choice.
(He won't really reach to hold her or anything. It's difficult to feel like he can get a grasp of anything right now after what feels like weeks of that one week recurring over and over. Right now, everything just feels like an accumulation of everything that's gone wrong reaching a tipping point.
But he will lean against her, eyes closed, and just... stay quiet for a moment.
There had been more to Schwann's message.
How far are you willing to go while ignoring the feelings of others? Think carefully about what's most important and whether it's worth it.
Very quietly,)
I can't make everything right. But I want to right what I can.
(Fix what he can. Make things a little more right.)
[To have him be so quiet feels so odd... She can't quite pinpoint his feeling, and part of her knows she will not be able to see that part of him. Some parts of his heart would need to stay secret.
But he's hurting, he's almost apologetic without being regretful about his choice, he's wanting something to change. He's talking.
That's... enough, for now. It's more than enough.]
I can't do it for you, Nii-chan... no matter how much it hurts, I think it's like a river you have to cross, and you might slip and fall and the water might feel like it will drag you away.
But the people who love you so much will be here to make sure you don't drown in your river, Nii-chan. We'll help you up. We'll hold your hand, if you want it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
The difference is Emet-Selch was innocent. He hadn't gone after anyone once, had he? Hansa was protecting an innocent man. Where as his person wasn't. But she wasn't completely guilty, was she? She'd been told to make her move, put in a situation where she felt like she had to.
Hikaru wouldn't be in trouble if Kano had never been chosen. Well, maybe she would be but it wouldn't be like this, would it? She wouldn't have the guilt of his death on her.
There's just so much he could say. Cracks in logic, things that he can pick at.
And there's no point arguing is, there? That's the kind of person Hikaru is. She's kind. Too kind for this place. Too forgiving. Too gentle. So very accepting. Anything he said would just be countered, wouldn't it? He hates picking fights he can't win. Or fights that aren't worth winning.
So he's quiet and lets her words sit with him. He won't fight them. But he won't accept them either. Not completely.
He leans in, against her hand, against that touch, and
closes his eyes.)
I'm sorry.
(For so, so much.)
no subject
Thank you.
Someone once told me that it's hard when you have no one that can understand your suffering. I have to live, knowing there are people that will always blame me for what happened to Shuuya-kun, to Emeraude, and so many who would be angered at me for a foolish choice if they ever knew, even though I made that choice because I didn't want a friend to die. You have to live, knowing that there are people that will blame you for the same, that may hate you, because you made a selfish choice... because you didn't want your loved one to die.
...
I don't blame you. Or your special person. Or anyone else. I blame this place, and what it makes us have to do.
[To cause such horrible conflict with each other, to force people to make horrible choices and not be able to talk about them, to leave the burden on the innocent and the well intentioned and the frightened...
It can't be so necessary, for one place to hold so much cruelty.
Her hand gently traces into his hair, staying very still.]
Nii-chan. If people had found them... your person who you knew. If they had found they were guilty. Would you have let them go?
no subject
(His answer comes surprisingly quick for someone who'd gone through such trouble to keep that person safe.)
If there was no other choice, I would have.
(He would have pushed to catch Sharon's killer instead. To have them take Hilda's place instead. To protect the people important to him, he would have tried any option he could.)
no subject
...
It's okay to not be okay, Nii-chan. If I... if I had to do what you did, and somebody I cared about had to do such a horrible thing... I wouldn't want them to die, either.
But I think, no matter what happened, no matter how I chose... my heart might always feel like a hole was left behind. For me, and for my special people, and for anybody. There's... there's no answer that doesn't leave someone in pain.
I think... it would be easy, to hate myself for having to make that choice.
no subject
But he will lean against her, eyes closed, and just... stay quiet for a moment.
There had been more to Schwann's message.
How far are you willing to go while ignoring the feelings of others? Think carefully about what's most important and whether it's worth it.
Very quietly,)
I can't make everything right. But I want to right what I can.
(Fix what he can. Make things a little more right.)
no subject
[To have him be so quiet feels so odd... She can't quite pinpoint his feeling, and part of her knows she will not be able to see that part of him. Some parts of his heart would need to stay secret.
But he's hurting, he's almost apologetic without being regretful about his choice, he's wanting something to change. He's talking.
That's... enough, for now. It's more than enough.]
I can't do it for you, Nii-chan... no matter how much it hurts, I think it's like a river you have to cross, and you might slip and fall and the water might feel like it will drag you away.
But the people who love you so much will be here to make sure you don't drown in your river, Nii-chan. We'll help you up. We'll hold your hand, if you want it.