anyway. xie lian smiles, then, a knowing twinkle to it, as he opens his eyes to look at him properly. ] I could, hm? That's very kind of you, Claude.
Still, I'm not so sure if I'm communing with much of anyone besides my own heart. [ it's probably a little bit odd to like this spooky graveyard, but... one of xie lian's favorite places in all of the three realms is the ghost city. in a way, this place's sacred ground feels familiar - the hush that falls over it feels like being in a shrine. ]
I suppose these odd bubbles have given me a moment of reflection. [ or. many of them. his eyes pass over one that floats by, for a moment. ] On things that I have not yet forgotten per the Realm, but perhaps things that were long buried, in my memories.
(He gets it. He might have forgotten some of his routines but he still knows how to reflect and meditate.)
Let me guess... you shared something you didn't want to share. (He feels this.) Something you didn't want to bother anyone else with or you didn't even want to think about.
(HE REALLY, REALLY FEELS THIS and he watches the same bubble float by,)
What part bothered you the most? The reaction you got? Or the fact that it was just out?
[ xie lian smiles, a little, but it's kind of sad. almost helpless. ]
...It is rather the fact that other people can experience what happens within them that bothered me the most, but certainly that it was out, too. A memory of mine was shared with someone, that was...
[ it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts why can't i die WHY CAN'T I DIE
something flickers across his expression, a hurt that is almost indescribably deep, but it's gone as he exhales outwards. ]
...I was injured, very brutally, many years ago. It is not a pain that I would wish on anyone, not even the worst enemy that I could think of. My suffering is my own to bear, and my memories of that night are, as well... and I inflicted that pain unknowingly on someone else when they stepped into my shoes in the memory.
(He frowns, thinking about his own memories, for now. Even if there are some vague areas, he can still remember plenty of things clearly.
(It's easy to excuse his scars here. He tells them, "They're from old battles" and no one here would be any wiser. No one needs to know how personal some of those battles were.)
Would any of that even compare to someone who's lived as long as Xie Lian, though? After centuries, he can only imagine how much worse things could get. It must be something beyond what normal people would usually endure.)
I get that.
(Even if his lifespan has been short so far, he wouldn't wish that on anyone.)
There are all kinds of people in the world and you can sort them whichever way you want but I think one way is... there are people who have been hurt and think, "If I hurt, then I don't care if others do" and then there are those that have been hurt and think, "I don't want anyone to ever hurt like that."
(And he thinks Xie Lian is the second type.)
You aren't like this because they know. You're like this because they felt it and you didn't want anyone to feel that. I can understand that. You didn't hurt them, though. It was your memory and your pain, but someone else hurt you, didn't they? And it was the Realm that revealed it that way.
[ as claude speaks, xie lian ends up turning his head to smile at him. it's soft and mellow, and he still looks exhausted, but it is genuine. something in him swells with that quiet sense of pride, a warmth of mutual understanding. ]
That is correct.
[ because... xie lian can take his pain. he can take his own bad luck - he is used to it. he is so, so used to hurting, and it never bothers him any to take on more, because for him to take pain is to take it from someone else. to protect others, to watch over them, to keep them safe - that has always been the person he is. eight hundred years, and xie lian's values have rarely wavered.
he looks away, watching one of the bubbles float by. ]
Thank you for saying so - and for your compassion. [ "i'm sorry". he appreciates it, even if no apology is necessary.
he's quiet for a moment longer, drumming his fingers where he sits, as he collects his thoughts. ]
...You know, I have been alone for nearly eight centuries. [ xie lian says this sort of casually? it's fine. he shifts his wrist, turning it where he's settled, and ruoye peeks out from his sleeve. ] It has always been Ruoye and I, until very recently - I had not even met San Lang until barely a few months ago.
I have been blessed to experience humanity in many different ways. I have traveled all over my country, collecting scraps and helping people where I can. I never stay for long; my luck is bad, and always has been bad, and the longer that I stay around others, the worst it seems to affect them. I have tried my best to stymy that from happening.
So far, San Lang has been an exception to this rule. [ and one he doesn't understand, really, but - he knows that hua cheng's luck is supernaturally good, so. perhaps they balance each other out. ] But, being in the Realm - I think this is the longest time that I have spent around the same group of people, getting to know them and understand them, in centuries.
...I keep wondering, when it is going to start happening again. Last week... [ xie lian looks down, his brow furrowing. ] ...last week, someone quite close to me was the one to die. I worry that my luck has finally come to collect - and that sharing that memory today was but a factor of that. That I would pop one of these strange bubbles, and of eight hundred years of memories, the single worst that I have ever experienced would be the one shared...
His eighteen years don't even compare but for him, it's still a lifetime, and he frowns, listening to Xie Lian. He's sympathetic to his story. For a long time, it was just him and only a few people. His parents, his teacher, and... static. Hm. But seeing Ruoye from Xie Lian's sleeve stirs something nostalgic in him.
He was also alone until just a few years ago. When he came to Fodlan under a new name, bearing a secret identity, and pretended to be one of them. He'd met Hilda, Lorenz, Marianne, and Lysithea. And later, he'd met Leonie, Ignatz, Raphael, his sister, Edelgard, Dimitri, and everyone else at the academy. For the first time, he'd had friends, people he could rely on, people who relied on him, and...
Xie Lian had waited how long before he met Hua Cheng? Had he had anyone else that whole time?)
It feels inevitable when you're used to a certain outcome. (He can understand Xie Lian's anxiety there.) I can't speak for others but I'm glad to have met you.
I don't believe in letting misfortune define me or anyone else. If things end terribly or we suffer along the way, I want to hold onto those other times. The times we shared our dreams, when you and Hua Cheng offered kindness and held out your hand to me... when you believed in me and when I listened to you speak. Those are the things I want to keep. But I also want to remember the times you're sad and the times you're hurt because these things help me understand you, too.
And I want to understand you because you're someone who is dear to me, Xie Lian.
[ by the time claude stops speaking, xie lian's expression looks... almost vaguely surprised.
it's not that xie lian doesn't believe that he might be worth care. he knows that he probably is, but, rather - he has learned the hard lessons of what happens to someone when they get too close. it's not even that he doesn't believe claude, because he does.
...it's just been a while.
besides san lang, who has ever talked so candidly about such things in recent memory? no one. (because there has been no one.)
slowly, that expression shifts into a soft smile. it's a heavy look, but it is one surrounded in his care. xie lian's touched. ]
...Thank you, Claude. [ he says, and that warmth fills his every word and softens the cadence of his mellow voice. ] That means the world to me. I feel the same.
[ he is a dear person, isn't he? a young man with big dreams, with a path to walk that he can see clearly, from beginning to end. the kind of prince that xie lian once was, but one - one who he hopes (and gods, does he hope) will flourish where xie lian failed. a cheeky young man who's friendly (but not so friendly), who has a real smile that's warm, that xie lian felt he may have been quite lucky to see. claude is a good man, and xie lian sees a world of potential for him.
he smiles a little, gentle, and shifts, watching a bubble go by. ]
I cannot promise you that what I will share with you will be sad, and I cannot promise you that it will not hurt. I cannot promise you that I will even remember what you might see.
...But if you want to understand, then I will not defy you of that. [ a quiet huff, then, and amusement flickers across xie lian's face. ] Clever and curious as you are.
[ and then he reaches out.
and listening to the gentle determination in claude's voice, xie lian brushes his fingers against a bubble.
you are dressed in the finest clothes of your kingdom, and today, your job is to please the gods.
you are the beloved crown prince of xian le, taizi dianxia, and half an hour ago, you ascended down from one of the tallest towers in the imperial capital in a flutter of beautiful, ornate costumes, a golden mask on your face, to begin one of the most holy and important rites of your kingdom - the god pleasing parade of the shangyuan festival. the parade is performed in conjunction when all the stars align, when the gods will be watching your beautiful home (your beloved xian le). your task, in these ceremonial robes, is to perform as the very center of the shangyuan parade, as the god pleasing warrior, against your fellow cultivator and house servant mu qing, who is dressed as a fearsome ghost.
according to the guoshi, the parade represents longevity for the kingdom. each lap that you make around the kingdom's shenwu street will signify another year of peaceful and happy reign for your family, beloved, treasured, honored monarchs of xian le. the entire kingdom has turned out to watch the parade, and they stand on the ten-meter-tall walls surrounding the capitals in throngs, though you are focused professionally on your duties. you can hear their cheers, their oohs and ahhs, and you know they are happy. your kingdom always is.
you are supposed to move through this motion of a choreographed fight with mu qing, but mu qing is so competitive. it almost makes you laugh behind your mask, as you clash swords in a dazzling display of martial talent, but you are as competitive as he is, and you both give it your all. you're on your third lap, now, nearing the imperial palace (and your mother and father look at you from the box where the royal family waits, bursting with pride). but as you are deflecting a strike from mu qing's deft saber work, you hear something.
it's a scream.
your head snaps up, and you look past mu qing's shoulder, and all you can see is the blurry shape of a person -- no, of a child and they are falling.
and you don't even hesitate. your heart screams in horror, you summon up your spiritual energy and suddenly jump past mu qing, away from him - you vanish out of sight for a moment as spiritual energy richochets through your body, because you are young and powerful, and the force of your energy knocks the golden mask from your face, but you don't care, because you disappear, you reappear, in a blur of red and gold and white --
and you snatch that child from the jaws of death.
he falls as gently into your arms as a leaf falling from a tree.
he is filthy, a tiny, ragged thing, who must barely be five or six years old. his head is covered in bandages, and one single eye peers at you as you sail back down towards the ground, feeling nothing but relief that you were able to reach him in time. your hand curls around his, tiny, tiny little thing, and you smile at him.
the kingdom erupts in cacophony as they realize they've see you without your mask. this is the first time anyone in xian le has ever seen your face, but you can't give a damn. the child trembling in your arms stares at you, and never stops staring, and you rise up and turn back towards the procession, a couple blocks away.
there's a brief moment where you're not sure what to do. (but you know what you did was right, and you do not feel any shame for abandoning the parade and its martial importance, for the life of this child). mu qing comes through for you, though -- dressed as the ghost, he suddenly rushes you, giant sword still in hand, and you are just close enough to hear him bark to the soldiers: keep moving! act like nothing happened!
the child in your arms cries out, as you raise your arm to block the strike with your own blade, and you curl him closer against your chest. as you and mu qing duel, you whisper to him, soothing, comforting - ] Don't be scared.
[ and he grabs onto your robes for dear life, clutching, trembling like a leaf. but you are the crown prince, you are taizi dianxia, and you can do anything. you ward off mu qing effortlessly, strike to strike, to strike, one handed, parried as easy as breathing. the child lifts his arms and wraps them around your shoulders, and you whisper to him - ] Don't worry. Nothing will hurt you.
[ you feel him nod against your chest, and you make the signal to end the parade after three laps, "killing" mu qing while the child stays safe in your arms. you will let no harm come to him, some fated ritual for prosperity of your kingdom be damned.
there is no ritual that is worth the life of a child. you have saved him, today. ]
(The first thing he notices is how beautiful everything is. The city, the people, the parade, the clothes… everything is so beautiful that he’s completely in awe of what he sees. Is this really a memory? Because a place like this is so vivid that it almost doesn’t seem real.
To see it all and to understand the culture and traditions of this memory is… well, he’s lucky. He considers himself very lucky for noticing. He doesn’t really believe in superstitions and legends like this but he can still enjoy them. He can still appreciate the significance and meaning behind things.
(Like a man and a woman promising to meet at the top of a tower on a certain night. If they made a wish together, it would come true.)
(Like gathering at the end of the year, m̴a̴k̷i̶n̴g̵ ̵s̴m̷a̸l̴l̴ ̴f̵i̵r̶e̶s̶, and jum█ing over the fla̵̟̰̦͑m̶̙̳͗̽es. A R̴̤͎̫͑̓̈́e̷̥̫̺̊d̸͉̼͙́̔ F̴͎̈́e̷̒͜s̴̟̄t̷̖̉í̷̡va̶l̶ filled with song, light, and wishes for the s̷p̶i̸r̸i̵t̵s̷ that v█s█ted th█m̶̬͠ͅ.)
The scream snaps him out of his wonder and everything happens so quickly that he can only just barely recognize the boy falling from the from the wall. It isn’t until the boy is in his— Xie Lian’s— arms that he can confirm it with his own eyes. He recognizes this boy. He’s seen him before.
Xie Lian, catching a small Hua Cheng in his arms.
A version of Hua Cheng before he was Hua Cheng.
Holding him protectively in his arms.
The way Hua Cheng holds onto Xie Lian.
They’re holding onto each others lives.
And Claude understands. This is their first meeting, isn’t it? A fateful encounter, one might say.
("There that only seem to add up if ̴̻͚͉̈́̋y̶̹̓̽̎o̵̖͜͝ũ̴̪̥ believe in the concept of fate… Things like… well, like meeting ̵̢͐ý̴͓̰ò̸̡̲ų̶͈̋͝, for example.")
When the memory fades, there's still wonder and surprise in Claude's eyes but for the most part, he's as relaxed as ever.)
You believe in gods, don't you? (It's kind of a rhetorical question! He recalls their past conversations just fine and can guess the answer easily.) Do you think do you think those same gods can determine our fates?
[ when xie lian too blinks free of his memories (and the golden kingdom of xian le fades) he's smiling. he can't help himself -- it's a soft, gentle expression, and he feels a faint rush of gratitude for the memory that was presented to claude. of all of things, this... this, with its new context, this is important.
he's reflecting on it when claude asks him that question, and... it's almost funny.
xie lian ducks his head. ] A simple question with a complicated answer.
...Maybe in some ways. But I think that fate can be changed. I changed the fate of that child, that day - and I would go on to change it again. Doing so came at a great cost, but I would do it over and over again.
In a sense, the outcome of that parade was supposed to determine the fate of our kingdom, and my family's rule, and... in a sense, it did. My kingdom did fall, as you know. So, I suppose I believe in fate, but I think it is transient. I think that can be a good or a bad thing, because ultimately, we are the choices that we make, not the choices that are made for us. I defied my fate that day, and I defied it many times after that.
[ there's a pause.
he's admitted this to enough people now, so. the smile on his face changes, a bit, the twinkle in his gaze a bit mysterious as he turns his head to look at claude. ]
...But, Claude, I am a god. So perhaps I am not the right person to ask such a question.
(He listens thoughtfully, taking in the answer. yes, it's a simple question with a complicated answer, even for himself and he nods along, understanding.
He seems caught off guard at that last part though. A god, really? And his expression is probably exactly what Xie Lian would imagine. He's surprised! But also.... not? He's experienced enough strange things in the Realm and that's used to having some of his beliefs shaken,)
... Before coming here, I'm not really sure what I would believe.
("You mean to tell me…e̸n̷t̴i█y̵ ̸w̵h̶o̴ ̶c̶l̷a̴i̷m̸s̸ ̷t̷o̸ ̷b̷e̵ ̴t̶h̸e̵ ̸g̴o̵d̴█e̶s̷s̷ was living inside y███ m█n█? And this g█d̵d̵e̵s̶s entrusted all of her g̷͉̼̑̌ő̸̡̟̏d̷̜̼̏̾d̷̡͐͘e̴̱̪͊s̵̺͂̌s̶̭̘͝-like power to y̸̰͐̂o̶͎͊ų̴͌̇ and then vanished…"
Yeah, he really doesn't know what he'd believe before coming to the Realm. It would entirely depend on if he could see the evidence for himself or not. Maybe he'd reject it! Or just roll with it. Who knows. )
I didn't believe in a life after death. Or ghosts. And I definitely didn't believe in gods. (Didn't. All past tense.) I don't have a reason not to believe you.
(And at that, he laughs, running a hand through his hair. Man, the Realm sure is making him question a lot of things, huh!!)
Don't take this the wrong way, though. Things like ranks and titles really don't matter much here, you know? So until things change, I'm going to keep believing in you as Xie Lian, a person, like any of us.
(And not like a god.
... It's definitely something to think about, though. Hm.)
I would prefer it that way. To be quite honest, my history with my ascension has been a bit...erm, complicated. I've been mortal for the last eight centuries - erm, well, as mortal as I can really be, anyway. I only recently ascended again, and I don't really have any followers, or any temples of my own besides the one I built myself...
[ so!!! he shakes his head. ] I'd rather that you knew me as Xie Lian, the person, the scrap collector, than Xie Lian the god. [ a beat. ] Or the runaway prince, really.
It is generally frowned upon for us to interact with mortals, let alone tell them of our status, but... I've never really listened to the first rule, and here, I don't think that the second matters so much.
But I trust you - and I would not want to give you a biased answer to your question, either.
Maybe if the goddess was more like this, he would like her more. His relationship with religion has always been a complicated one, and for the longest time, it was largely negative. But new places, new people, new perspectives... he can keep an open mind. )
I appreciate it. (Truly.) It's a perspective I never thought I would hear in my lifetime.
(He can keep an open mind and learn from others. He'll only become richer from it. He hums thoughtfully to himself as he turns his thoughts.
Trust, huh?)
People here keep saying that. (That they trust him.) Back home, there aren't many people who trust me and for good reason, too. People here should be more careful about that, too.
(He did let someone take the fall for Hilda, after all. And he's kept that a secret from so many people here as well as everything that happened during and after that...)
To be honest, this week is turning out to be a little stressful for me.
(Memshare week... is truly the worst week when you're a secretive guy like Claude.)
Haha... I understand. [ on this whole!!! memory share thing!!! xie lian hates it for similar reasons. ] I don't like to go about parading my experiences to anyone - what has happened to me has merely happened to me, and I'd honestly rather not focus on it. None of that matters, ultimately, and for others to see what I've been through... I'd rather no one think of me any differently. It is nothing to be mourned, or praised - it just is.
[ so. what claude said just before touched his heart, too. that's all he wants, is to just be xie lian. ]
As for trust, well - [ there's a brief pause. he mouth quirks up in a smile. ] Do you think that I cannot recognize when to trust someone and when to not? I've been around the block a few times... and while I am always optimistic that people have good intentions, I am no less pragmatic, either.
[ he's a kind, warm person, always nice to others, but... claude probably might have noticed, with this conversation, and previous - xie lian rarely seems to share bits of himself. he rarely shares information, unless it's for the good of the group. ]
With both of these matters, I simply let people see what they want to see. [ and if that's that xie lian is an airheaded idiot, then, they can see that.
the fact of the matter is that he is extremely clever, and always has been. ]
(Yes, he's definitely noticed this about Xie Lian but he keeps his comments to himself. Sometimes less is more.
He isn't the most trustworthy person. He isn't the best person. He isn't honorable like other nobles. He'll lie and cheat and use whatever underhanded tactics he can to get by. He would never fault anyone for not trusting him.
... But he is trying his best. And Xie Lian's support means more to him than he could ever express with words.)
I would never doubt you, Xie Lian.
(He hasn't believed in someone like this... ever? Has he? Hm.
And one of those cursed bubbles floats by and Sisi you're finally getting your memory. Claude holds out his hand, his intention clear,)
(The ground is sandy but gives way to green and roots, the sand cloud the horses had been kicking up gives way until they're finally in the forest proper. The air is immediately cooler and wetter in the pine forest compared to the desert they'd come from. The sun has barely risen and still hangs on the horizon but the world seems so much darker in the forest under the green branches.
Darkness is usually a frightening thing. One can never know what lurks in the shadows or might come out from the night but the boy finds that he doesn't mind it here. It's nice, he thinks, looking around and taking in the new sights.
He's just a child, a boy that has only recently turned thirteen and is being rewarded for living another year. Like his father, a large man with an impressive air to him, he rides atop a white horse, beautiful and decorated plainly for the occasion but still with colorful patterns of gold, green, and blue.
"We've made good time," One of the men in their group exclaims cheerfully, "Good job, everyone."
Another man rides closer to the boy and his father and lets out a delighted laugh, "What do you think, your highness?" He asks the boy, noting the look of wonder in his eyes. Those eyes that are green like the very forest they're in and not the earthy shades of brown and gold the others have. "This is your first time seeing this place. Ah, what an honor it is to be invited on the prince's first hunt!"
"Save it," A large, scarred man on a dark brown horse complains, "Flattery isn't going to get you anywhere. If you really want to impress anyone, you'll prove it later."
The young lord balks, mouth hanging open at the general and pulls back some where the lords laugh but if one watches carefully, they might notice that behind those smiles, some of their eyes watch the boy's back.
He doesn't have to see them to know. He can feel their eyes, like daggers at his back and he only keeps his eyes ahead. He's a boy only recently turned thirteen and he knows this occasion isn't to celebrate another year in his life so much as it is to celebrate surviving another year.
The group begins to share stories and gossip, singing praises for the young prince. An accomplished rider and a skilled archer training under the kingdom's greatest general. A bright and intelligent student that has exasperated his teachers with endless questions and discussion. Even the king joins in to brag about how his son— Khalid— will some day best him at their weekly board games and how he wrote his mother the most beautiful poem for her birthday. Even the old general chimes in to observe that it's only a matter of time before every man here is following the boy into battle some day… and that day will probably come sooner than later.
That last comment from the general gets some of the men to make a face, smiling politely but without any warmth. It's obvious that they aren't very fond of the idea of following the prince anywhere. Even now, they dislike riding behind him from an unreachable distance while he rides so close to the king.
The boy. "The young prince." "His highness." "Kid." "Khalid." None of these are "Claude" but it's clear that the two are one and the same even if "Claude" doesn't exist. At least, he doesn't exist yet.
He listens to them make their small talk about him. Not once is he ever invited to the conversation but he doesn't mind. Let the adults talk it out. He didn't really have anything to say to them anyway.
It doesn't take long for the group to set out on their hunt properly. They take to the forest in silence, bow and arrow at the ready, swords drawn, chasing trained hawks and following tracks and trails. Claude listens carefully as the general and his father share insight, teaching him how to read his environment to know what to expect and where to go.
Finally, the moment everyone had been waiting for comes. The prince's first hunt. He takes aim with his bow, readying his arrow and aiming at an area where he caught movement up ahead. The others are quiet as they watch him ready for his first kill… and there's an excited murmur as a doe steps out from the brush followed by a grand stag.
"I love deer." He remembers his mother telling him, "They're our guardians. Our protectors."
Keeping his eyes ahead, he frowns. It's truly a shame, he thinks, to kill such a beautiful creature and for what reason? Because it was easy?
The deer suddenly look up, turning their heads to look back and then straight ahead. It's then that Claude makes eye contact with the stag and something seems so clear to him.
Danger, their eyes read.
I'm always in danger, he thinks to himself, feeling the eyes at his back, waiting for him to make his move. Ready to judge him for whatever happens next. Ready to stab him in the back. Shoot him from behind. He wonders what unfortunate hunting accident might happen today.
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anyway. xie lian smiles, then, a knowing twinkle to it, as he opens his eyes to look at him properly. ] I could, hm? That's very kind of you, Claude.
Still, I'm not so sure if I'm communing with much of anyone besides my own heart. [ it's probably a little bit odd to like this spooky graveyard, but... one of xie lian's favorite places in all of the three realms is the ghost city. in a way, this place's sacred ground feels familiar - the hush that falls over it feels like being in a shrine. ]
I suppose these odd bubbles have given me a moment of reflection. [ or. many of them. his eyes pass over one that floats by, for a moment. ] On things that I have not yet forgotten per the Realm, but perhaps things that were long buried, in my memories.
no subject
(He gets it. He might have forgotten some of his routines but he still knows how to reflect and meditate.)
Let me guess... you shared something you didn't want to share. (He feels this.) Something you didn't want to bother anyone else with or you didn't even want to think about.
(HE REALLY, REALLY FEELS THIS and he watches the same bubble float by,)
What part bothered you the most? The reaction you got? Or the fact that it was just out?
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...It is rather the fact that other people can experience what happens within them that bothered me the most, but certainly that it was out, too. A memory of mine was shared with someone, that was...
[ it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts why can't i die WHY CAN'T I DIE
something flickers across his expression, a hurt that is almost indescribably deep, but it's gone as he exhales outwards. ]
...I was injured, very brutally, many years ago. It is not a pain that I would wish on anyone, not even the worst enemy that I could think of. My suffering is my own to bear, and my memories of that night are, as well... and I inflicted that pain unknowingly on someone else when they stepped into my shoes in the memory.
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(He frowns, thinking about his own memories, for now. Even if there are some vague areas, he can still remember plenty of things clearly.
(It's easy to excuse his scars here. He tells them, "They're from old battles" and no one here would be any wiser. No one needs to know how personal some of those battles were.)
Would any of that even compare to someone who's lived as long as Xie Lian, though? After centuries, he can only imagine how much worse things could get. It must be something beyond what normal people would usually endure.)
I get that.
(Even if his lifespan has been short so far, he wouldn't wish that on anyone.)
There are all kinds of people in the world and you can sort them whichever way you want but I think one way is... there are people who have been hurt and think, "If I hurt, then I don't care if others do" and then there are those that have been hurt and think, "I don't want anyone to ever hurt like that."
(And he thinks Xie Lian is the second type.)
You aren't like this because they know. You're like this because they felt it and you didn't want anyone to feel that. I can understand that. You didn't hurt them, though. It was your memory and your pain, but someone else hurt you, didn't they? And it was the Realm that revealed it that way.
(It's not Xie Lian's fault,)
I'm sorry you were hurt.
no subject
That is correct.
[ because... xie lian can take his pain. he can take his own bad luck - he is used to it. he is so, so used to hurting, and it never bothers him any to take on more, because for him to take pain is to take it from someone else. to protect others, to watch over them, to keep them safe - that has always been the person he is. eight hundred years, and xie lian's values have rarely wavered.
he looks away, watching one of the bubbles float by. ]
Thank you for saying so - and for your compassion. [ "i'm sorry". he appreciates it, even if no apology is necessary.
he's quiet for a moment longer, drumming his fingers where he sits, as he collects his thoughts. ]
...You know, I have been alone for nearly eight centuries. [ xie lian says this sort of casually? it's fine. he shifts his wrist, turning it where he's settled, and ruoye peeks out from his sleeve. ] It has always been Ruoye and I, until very recently - I had not even met San Lang until barely a few months ago.
I have been blessed to experience humanity in many different ways. I have traveled all over my country, collecting scraps and helping people where I can. I never stay for long; my luck is bad, and always has been bad, and the longer that I stay around others, the worst it seems to affect them. I have tried my best to stymy that from happening.
So far, San Lang has been an exception to this rule. [ and one he doesn't understand, really, but - he knows that hua cheng's luck is supernaturally good, so. perhaps they balance each other out. ] But, being in the Realm - I think this is the longest time that I have spent around the same group of people, getting to know them and understand them, in centuries.
...I keep wondering, when it is going to start happening again. Last week... [ xie lian looks down, his brow furrowing. ] ...last week, someone quite close to me was the one to die. I worry that my luck has finally come to collect - and that sharing that memory today was but a factor of that. That I would pop one of these strange bubbles, and of eight hundred years of memories, the single worst that I have ever experienced would be the one shared...
[ well, he doesn't have to finish that, does he?
such incredibly bad luck. ]
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His eighteen years don't even compare but for him, it's still a lifetime, and he frowns, listening to Xie Lian. He's sympathetic to his story. For a long time, it was just him and only a few people. His parents, his teacher, and... static. Hm. But seeing Ruoye from Xie Lian's sleeve stirs something nostalgic in him.
He was also alone until just a few years ago. When he came to Fodlan under a new name, bearing a secret identity, and pretended to be one of them. He'd met Hilda, Lorenz, Marianne, and Lysithea. And later, he'd met Leonie, Ignatz, Raphael, his sister, Edelgard, Dimitri, and everyone else at the academy. For the first time, he'd had friends, people he could rely on, people who relied on him, and...
Xie Lian had waited how long before he met Hua Cheng? Had he had anyone else that whole time?)
It feels inevitable when you're used to a certain outcome. (He can understand Xie Lian's anxiety there.) I can't speak for others but I'm glad to have met you.
I don't believe in letting misfortune define me or anyone else. If things end terribly or we suffer along the way, I want to hold onto those other times. The times we shared our dreams, when you and Hua Cheng offered kindness and held out your hand to me... when you believed in me and when I listened to you speak. Those are the things I want to keep. But I also want to remember the times you're sad and the times you're hurt because these things help me understand you, too.
And I want to understand you because you're someone who is dear to me, Xie Lian.
1/2
it's not that xie lian doesn't believe that he might be worth care. he knows that he probably is, but, rather - he has learned the hard lessons of what happens to someone when they get too close. it's not even that he doesn't believe claude, because he does.
...it's just been a while.
besides san lang, who has ever talked so candidly about such things in recent memory? no one. (because there has been no one.)
slowly, that expression shifts into a soft smile. it's a heavy look, but it is one surrounded in his care. xie lian's touched. ]
...Thank you, Claude. [ he says, and that warmth fills his every word and softens the cadence of his mellow voice. ] That means the world to me. I feel the same.
[ he is a dear person, isn't he? a young man with big dreams, with a path to walk that he can see clearly, from beginning to end. the kind of prince that xie lian once was, but one - one who he hopes (and gods, does he hope) will flourish where xie lian failed. a cheeky young man who's friendly (but not so friendly), who has a real smile that's warm, that xie lian felt he may have been quite lucky to see. claude is a good man, and xie lian sees a world of potential for him.
he smiles a little, gentle, and shifts, watching a bubble go by. ]
I cannot promise you that what I will share with you will be sad, and I cannot promise you that it will not hurt. I cannot promise you that I will even remember what you might see.
...But if you want to understand, then I will not defy you of that. [ a quiet huff, then, and amusement flickers across xie lian's face. ] Clever and curious as you are.
[ and then he reaches out.
and listening to the gentle determination in claude's voice, xie lian brushes his fingers against a bubble.
pop. ]
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you are dressed in the finest clothes of your kingdom, and today, your job is to please the gods.
you are the beloved crown prince of xian le, taizi dianxia, and half an hour ago, you ascended down from one of the tallest towers in the imperial capital in a flutter of beautiful, ornate costumes, a golden mask on your face, to begin one of the most holy and important rites of your kingdom - the god pleasing parade of the shangyuan festival. the parade is performed in conjunction when all the stars align, when the gods will be watching your beautiful home (your beloved xian le). your task, in these ceremonial robes, is to perform as the very center of the shangyuan parade, as the god pleasing warrior, against your fellow cultivator and house servant mu qing, who is dressed as a fearsome ghost.
according to the guoshi, the parade represents longevity for the kingdom. each lap that you make around the kingdom's shenwu street will signify another year of peaceful and happy reign for your family, beloved, treasured, honored monarchs of xian le. the entire kingdom has turned out to watch the parade, and they stand on the ten-meter-tall walls surrounding the capitals in throngs, though you are focused professionally on your duties. you can hear their cheers, their oohs and ahhs, and you know they are happy. your kingdom always is.
you are supposed to move through this motion of a choreographed fight with mu qing, but mu qing is so competitive. it almost makes you laugh behind your mask, as you clash swords in a dazzling display of martial talent, but you are as competitive as he is, and you both give it your all. you're on your third lap, now, nearing the imperial palace (and your mother and father look at you from the box where the royal family waits, bursting with pride). but as you are deflecting a strike from mu qing's deft saber work, you hear something.
it's a scream.
your head snaps up, and you look past mu qing's shoulder, and all you can see is the blurry shape of a person -- no, of a child and they are falling.
and you don't even hesitate. your heart screams in horror, you summon up your spiritual energy and suddenly jump past mu qing, away from him - you vanish out of sight for a moment as spiritual energy richochets through your body, because you are young and powerful, and the force of your energy knocks the golden mask from your face, but you don't care, because you disappear, you reappear, in a blur of red and gold and white --
and you snatch that child from the jaws of death.
he falls as gently into your arms as a leaf falling from a tree.
he is filthy, a tiny, ragged thing, who must barely be five or six years old. his head is covered in bandages, and one single eye peers at you as you sail back down towards the ground, feeling nothing but relief that you were able to reach him in time. your hand curls around his, tiny, tiny little thing, and you smile at him.
the kingdom erupts in cacophony as they realize they've see you without your mask. this is the first time anyone in xian le has ever seen your face, but you can't give a damn. the child trembling in your arms stares at you, and never stops staring, and you rise up and turn back towards the procession, a couple blocks away.
there's a brief moment where you're not sure what to do. (but you know what you did was right, and you do not feel any shame for abandoning the parade and its martial importance, for the life of this child). mu qing comes through for you, though -- dressed as the ghost, he suddenly rushes you, giant sword still in hand, and you are just close enough to hear him bark to the soldiers: keep moving! act like nothing happened!
the child in your arms cries out, as you raise your arm to block the strike with your own blade, and you curl him closer against your chest. as you and mu qing duel, you whisper to him, soothing, comforting - ] Don't be scared.
[ and he grabs onto your robes for dear life, clutching, trembling like a leaf. but you are the crown prince, you are taizi dianxia, and you can do anything. you ward off mu qing effortlessly, strike to strike, to strike, one handed, parried as easy as breathing. the child lifts his arms and wraps them around your shoulders, and you whisper to him - ] Don't worry. Nothing will hurt you.
[ you feel him nod against your chest, and you make the signal to end the parade after three laps, "killing" mu qing while the child stays safe in your arms. you will let no harm come to him, some fated ritual for prosperity of your kingdom be damned.
there is no ritual that is worth the life of a child. you have saved him, today. ]
i swear i thought i replied to this???
To see it all and to understand the culture and traditions of this memory is… well, he’s lucky. He considers himself very lucky for noticing. He doesn’t really believe in superstitions and legends like this but he can still enjoy them. He can still appreciate the significance and meaning behind things.
(Like a man and a woman promising to meet at the top of a tower on a certain night. If they made a wish together, it would come true.)
(Like gathering at the end of the year, m̴a̴k̷i̶n̴g̵ ̵s̴m̷a̸l̴l̴ ̴f̵i̵r̶e̶s̶, and jum█ing over the fla̵̟̰̦͑m̶̙̳͗̽es. A R̴̤͎̫͑̓̈́e̷̥̫̺̊d̸͉̼͙́̔ F̴͎̈́e̷̒͜s̴̟̄t̷̖̉í̷̡va̶l̶ filled with song, light, and wishes for the s̷p̶i̸r̸i̵t̵s̷ that v█s█ted th█m̶̬͠ͅ.)
The scream snaps him out of his wonder and everything happens so quickly that he can only just barely recognize the boy falling from the from the wall. It isn’t until the boy is in his— Xie Lian’s— arms that he can confirm it with his own eyes. He recognizes this boy. He’s seen him before.
Xie Lian, catching a small Hua Cheng in his arms.
A version of Hua Cheng before he was Hua Cheng.
Holding him protectively in his arms.
The way Hua Cheng holds onto Xie Lian.
They’re holding onto each others lives.
And Claude understands. This is their first meeting, isn’t it? A fateful encounter, one might say.
("There that only seem to add up if ̴̻͚͉̈́̋y̶̹̓̽̎o̵̖͜͝ũ̴̪̥ believe in the concept of fate… Things like… well, like meeting ̵̢͐ý̴͓̰ò̸̡̲ų̶͈̋͝, for example.")
When the memory fades, there's still wonder and surprise in Claude's eyes but for the most part, he's as relaxed as ever.)
You believe in gods, don't you? (It's kind of a rhetorical question! He recalls their past conversations just fine and can guess the answer easily.) Do you think do you think those same gods can determine our fates?
surprise!!
he's reflecting on it when claude asks him that question, and... it's almost funny.
xie lian ducks his head. ] A simple question with a complicated answer.
...Maybe in some ways. But I think that fate can be changed. I changed the fate of that child, that day - and I would go on to change it again. Doing so came at a great cost, but I would do it over and over again.
In a sense, the outcome of that parade was supposed to determine the fate of our kingdom, and my family's rule, and... in a sense, it did. My kingdom did fall, as you know. So, I suppose I believe in fate, but I think it is transient. I think that can be a good or a bad thing, because ultimately, we are the choices that we make, not the choices that are made for us. I defied my fate that day, and I defied it many times after that.
[ there's a pause.
he's admitted this to enough people now, so. the smile on his face changes, a bit, the twinkle in his gaze a bit mysterious as he turns his head to look at claude. ]
...But, Claude, I am a god. So perhaps I am not the right person to ask such a question.
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He seems caught off guard at that last part though. A god, really? And his expression is probably exactly what Xie Lian would imagine. He's surprised! But also.... not? He's experienced enough strange things in the Realm and that's used to having some of his beliefs shaken,)
... Before coming here, I'm not really sure what I would believe.
("You mean to tell me…e̸n̷t̴i█y̵ ̸w̵h̶o̴ ̶c̶l̷a̴i̷m̸s̸ ̷t̷o̸ ̷b̷e̵ ̴t̶h̸e̵ ̸g̴o̵d̴█e̶s̷s̷ was living inside y███ m█n█? And this g█d̵d̵e̵s̶s entrusted all of her g̷͉̼̑̌ő̸̡̟̏d̷̜̼̏̾d̷̡͐͘e̴̱̪͊s̵̺͂̌s̶̭̘͝-like power to y̸̰͐̂o̶͎͊ų̴͌̇ and then vanished…"
Yeah, he really doesn't know what he'd believe before coming to the Realm. It would entirely depend on if he could see the evidence for himself or not. Maybe he'd reject it! Or just roll with it. Who knows. )
I didn't believe in a life after death. Or ghosts. And I definitely didn't believe in gods. (Didn't. All past tense.) I don't have a reason not to believe you.
(And at that, he laughs, running a hand through his hair. Man, the Realm sure is making him question a lot of things, huh!!)
Don't take this the wrong way, though. Things like ranks and titles really don't matter much here, you know? So until things change, I'm going to keep believing in you as Xie Lian, a person, like any of us.
(And not like a god.
... It's definitely something to think about, though. Hm.)
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I would prefer it that way. To be quite honest, my history with my ascension has been a bit...erm, complicated. I've been mortal for the last eight centuries - erm, well, as mortal as I can really be, anyway. I only recently ascended again, and I don't really have any followers, or any temples of my own besides the one I built myself...
[ so!!! he shakes his head. ] I'd rather that you knew me as Xie Lian, the person, the scrap collector, than Xie Lian the god. [ a beat. ] Or the runaway prince, really.
It is generally frowned upon for us to interact with mortals, let alone tell them of our status, but... I've never really listened to the first rule, and here, I don't think that the second matters so much.
But I trust you - and I would not want to give you a biased answer to your question, either.
no subject
Maybe if the goddess was more like this, he would like her more. His relationship with religion has always been a complicated one, and for the longest time, it was largely negative. But new places, new people, new perspectives... he can keep an open mind. )
I appreciate it. (Truly.) It's a perspective I never thought I would hear in my lifetime.
(He can keep an open mind and learn from others. He'll only become richer from it. He hums thoughtfully to himself as he turns his thoughts.
Trust, huh?)
People here keep saying that. (That they trust him.) Back home, there aren't many people who trust me and for good reason, too. People here should be more careful about that, too.
(He did let someone take the fall for Hilda, after all. And he's kept that a secret from so many people here as well as everything that happened during and after that...)
To be honest, this week is turning out to be a little stressful for me.
(Memshare week... is truly the worst week when you're a secretive guy like Claude.)
no subject
[ so. what claude said just before touched his heart, too. that's all he wants, is to just be xie lian. ]
As for trust, well - [ there's a brief pause. he mouth quirks up in a smile. ] Do you think that I cannot recognize when to trust someone and when to not? I've been around the block a few times... and while I am always optimistic that people have good intentions, I am no less pragmatic, either.
[ he's a kind, warm person, always nice to others, but... claude probably might have noticed, with this conversation, and previous - xie lian rarely seems to share bits of himself. he rarely shares information, unless it's for the good of the group. ]
With both of these matters, I simply let people see what they want to see. [ and if that's that xie lian is an airheaded idiot, then, they can see that.
the fact of the matter is that he is extremely clever, and always has been. ]
1/2
He isn't the most trustworthy person. He isn't the best person. He isn't honorable like other nobles. He'll lie and cheat and use whatever underhanded tactics he can to get by. He would never fault anyone for not trusting him.
... But he is trying his best. And Xie Lian's support means more to him than he could ever express with words.)
I would never doubt you, Xie Lian.
(He hasn't believed in someone like this... ever? Has he? Hm.
And one of those cursed bubbles floats by and Sisi you're finally getting your memory. Claude holds out his hand, his intention clear,)
A story for a story.
(A memory for a memory.)
no subject
Darkness is usually a frightening thing. One can never know what lurks in the shadows or might come out from the night but the boy finds that he doesn't mind it here. It's nice, he thinks, looking around and taking in the new sights.
He's just a child, a boy that has only recently turned thirteen and is being rewarded for living another year. Like his father, a large man with an impressive air to him, he rides atop a white horse, beautiful and decorated plainly for the occasion but still with colorful patterns of gold, green, and blue.
"We've made good time," One of the men in their group exclaims cheerfully, "Good job, everyone."
Another man rides closer to the boy and his father and lets out a delighted laugh, "What do you think, your highness?" He asks the boy, noting the look of wonder in his eyes. Those eyes that are green like the very forest they're in and not the earthy shades of brown and gold the others have. "This is your first time seeing this place. Ah, what an honor it is to be invited on the prince's first hunt!"
"Save it," A large, scarred man on a dark brown horse complains, "Flattery isn't going to get you anywhere. If you really want to impress anyone, you'll prove it later."
The young lord balks, mouth hanging open at the general and pulls back some where the lords laugh but if one watches carefully, they might notice that behind those smiles, some of their eyes watch the boy's back.
He doesn't have to see them to know. He can feel their eyes, like daggers at his back and he only keeps his eyes ahead. He's a boy only recently turned thirteen and he knows this occasion isn't to celebrate another year in his life so much as it is to celebrate surviving another year.
The group begins to share stories and gossip, singing praises for the young prince. An accomplished rider and a skilled archer training under the kingdom's greatest general. A bright and intelligent student that has exasperated his teachers with endless questions and discussion. Even the king joins in to brag about how his son— Khalid— will some day best him at their weekly board games and how he wrote his mother the most beautiful poem for her birthday. Even the old general chimes in to observe that it's only a matter of time before every man here is following the boy into battle some day… and that day will probably come sooner than later.
That last comment from the general gets some of the men to make a face, smiling politely but without any warmth. It's obvious that they aren't very fond of the idea of following the prince anywhere. Even now, they dislike riding behind him from an unreachable distance while he rides so close to the king.
The boy. "The young prince." "His highness." "Kid." "Khalid." None of these are "Claude" but it's clear that the two are one and the same even if "Claude" doesn't exist. At least, he doesn't exist yet.
He listens to them make their small talk about him. Not once is he ever invited to the conversation but he doesn't mind. Let the adults talk it out. He didn't really have anything to say to them anyway.
It doesn't take long for the group to set out on their hunt properly. They take to the forest in silence, bow and arrow at the ready, swords drawn, chasing trained hawks and following tracks and trails. Claude listens carefully as the general and his father share insight, teaching him how to read his environment to know what to expect and where to go.
Finally, the moment everyone had been waiting for comes. The prince's first hunt. He takes aim with his bow, readying his arrow and aiming at an area where he caught movement up ahead. The others are quiet as they watch him ready for his first kill… and there's an excited murmur as a doe steps out from the brush followed by a grand stag.
"I love deer." He remembers his mother telling him, "They're our guardians. Our protectors."
Keeping his eyes ahead, he frowns. It's truly a shame, he thinks, to kill such a beautiful creature and for what reason? Because it was easy?
The deer suddenly look up, turning their heads to look back and then straight ahead. It's then that Claude makes eye contact with the stag and something seems so clear to him.
Danger, their eyes read.
I'm always in danger, he thinks to himself, feeling the eyes at his back, waiting for him to make his move. Ready to judge him for whatever happens next. Ready to stab him in the back. Shoot him from behind. He wonders what unfortunate hunting accident might happen today.
He releases his arrow.
… And he misses.
Behind him, he can feel those judging eyes.
And the memory ends.)