(One would think he'd lost his sense of feeling today with how little he seems to respond to the blanket. He doesn't even move to adjust the blanket one bit, just letting it sit on his shoulders haphazardly.
He listens to Hikaru and... well, it's nice to hear that she seems to like Hilda. That's good. He wants the people he likes to like each other but
His finger stops, nail on top of one of the leaves, holding it in place in front of him and
he presses down, nail cutting into the leaf,)
There are people here who are asked to kill each week. I don't think they have much of a choice... or well, I they might be able to refuse but I don't think they would.
(He isn't surprised by a thing Hikaru says. He just explains,)
People splinter. They start to lose their memories and I don't mean the same way we usually lose them. They lose them quickly. At first it's just little things... forgetting what you had for breakfast, forgetting why you entered a room... but it gets worse. You forget older memories. Things you can do. Who you are. Eventually, you forget everything until there's nothing left. You're just an empty shell.
And then it spreads to others.
(Nail, digging, splitting the leaf and removing it to see that crescent moon shaped mark,)
The only way to stop the spread is to remove the source. The source of the first disruption. The one that has to die.
[This... makes sense? It fills in some gaps with alarming ease and it shows on her face, and rather than surprise or horror... all that's left is guilt.]
Then... then Shiro-san... maybe that's why he thought I...
...
[lets just hug the dog tighter SHIRO SAN USED TO SIT WHERE U SIT WEEEEEH
M-mn. I remembered something a couple weeks ago, but... it... it wasn't right away.
...
Shiro-san just got... really, really concerned when we talked on Thursday, cause I couldn't... I couldn't remember what my name was anymore. He was insisiting that we tell a leader that I was losing a lot more memories. I didn't understand at the time, but...
I... When I saw his note...
...
[No, Claude insisted she should be fine. To worry now, when there wasn't anything she could do but keep going... she knows Shiro wouldn't look kindly on her for feeling like this for his sake.]
(OKAY THAT'S INTERESTING? But not important right now.
He levels his eyes with Hikaru for the first time in what's been a few days, eyes focused on her, bright and sharp,)
This is why we can't tell everyone about this. The more memories we lose, the more desperate everyone gets. They'll start to get the wrong idea.
(Be. Careful. Who. You. Tell. This. To. He doesn't have to say it. He knows Hikaru is a smart girl, even if she can be naive and too open.)
Shiro was wrong. The source has been removed each week. Virid killed Hajime. Shima killed Laine. Whoever was tasked this week killed Yoshizawa. Unless he killed Raven or Sharon, Emet-Selchs hasn't caused anyone here harm.
(He's leaving out one name. Cater.
He also just... doesn't answer Hikaru's question.)
[It's not a question. She can put two and two together.
...]
Claude...
I'm not gonna tell anybody. The only people that know are Chiron-sensei, Won-san and Xie Lian. One of them... knows about the roles, knows who they are, but couldn't say anything else. I asked them not to pass it along right now to any of those roles, because I... I don't want anyone else to die because of this. Not when there's so much people still don't realize.
(He hates this he hates this he hates this position that he's gotten himself trapped in, stuck with barely a way out, the water rising, the walls closing in, he hates this
He runs through the names.
Chiron. Soo-won. Xie Lian.
Well, two of them know part of the truth anyway. Two of them had seen him that day. That same day. )
That week... (He speaks uncertainly,) That Thursday. I began to lose my memories. Chiron saw me. I stayed with Xie Lian and Hua Cheng. Both of them know about that.
I stayed with Hua Cheng and Xie Lian that night. (And Raven and Bucky.) But I ran into someone else that night. Someone who knew what was happening to me and they told me they could fix it.
They didn't do it for me. They wouldn't have done it if they weren't told to. I didn't tell them to. Someone else did...
(Not a single name in this story. A nameless character and a nameless power.)
They told me it was Cater and we went our separate ways. I forgot right after but the next day... I remembered everything and I remembered the decision I made in that moment...
(The more he talks, the faster his words become, like his mouth can't keep up with his thoughts. Like there aren't enough words. Like he can't find any of the right ones. What comes out just comes out.
He doesn't give a name. He won't. But the entire time
[There's a touch of her hands, not to him, but to the blanket around him, crawling in front of him to tug the blanket closer around him.]
Nii-chan... Nii-chan...
[It's quiet repetition as she tightens the blanket against him, trying to meet his eyes. He's speaking so fast, like a bicycle rolling down a hill in danger of flipping its rider right off, like she's watching him fall to pieces in front of her.]
...It's just me, Claude. Just me and nobody else, okay? I won't tell about them, or you. Not even to the people that I talked to before. Not even to Vezda-san or Hilda-chan.
(Sorry, he's not looking at her. He's keeping his head down,)
I would do it again. Protect them. Let Kano die. I know it isn't right. People were hurt because of it. When nobles play these games... its innocent people that pay the price. A price that keeps coming back again and again.
If I'd known, I wouldn't have gotten close to any of you. I never... would have let you depend on me. Not when I helped cause so much grief.
[She pauses, letting his words settle, before placing one if her hands against his hair, near his temple. She doesn't push, or try to move him.]
You're just doing exactly what Hansa-san tried to do, Nii-chan. With Emet-Selch-san.
It doesn't have anything to do with being a noble, or being you. Nobody wants the people they love to die for something that shouldn't be their fault... even if they're guilty.
I... know you know that I don't like when you lie. But it's only because I know people only lie to push other people away, you know? And it... hurts, to see Nii-chan hurting. You tried to help us find Sharon-san's killer. You tried to help us figure it out, even if you couldn't do it in a way you could agree with. You've been carrying sadness on your shoulders this whole time, and it's not because you're a bad person, Nii-chan. You're not a person that deserves to be alone for something like this, just because you're scared for somebody important to you.
Shuuya-kun... happened because of a lot of things. Because of you. Because of me. Because of us not paying attention, not finding the right things... and whoever killed Cater-chan... they weren't the only ones that got away.
I... I think, with what you told me, and with what others told me... this is more complicated, than just saying what you did was wrong or right. And people are gonna be mad if they find out. But...
If it wasn't all of my fault, Claude... then it's not all your fault, either.
(Quietly, he lets Hikaru say what she has to say, feeling her hand on his forehead, something real and physical in this mess of intangible thoughts.
The difference is Emet-Selch was innocent. He hadn't gone after anyone once, had he? Hansa was protecting an innocent man. Where as his person wasn't. But she wasn't completely guilty, was she? She'd been told to make her move, put in a situation where she felt like she had to.
Hikaru wouldn't be in trouble if Kano had never been chosen. Well, maybe she would be but it wouldn't be like this, would it? She wouldn't have the guilt of his death on her.
There's just so much he could say. Cracks in logic, things that he can pick at.
And there's no point arguing is, there? That's the kind of person Hikaru is. She's kind. Too kind for this place. Too forgiving. Too gentle. So very accepting. Anything he said would just be countered, wouldn't it? He hates picking fights he can't win. Or fights that aren't worth winning.
So he's quiet and lets her words sit with him. He won't fight them. But he won't accept them either. Not completely.
He leans in, against her hand, against that touch, and
[She leans up on her knees, not removing her hand, wrapping her other arm against his neck, to rest her head against his hair.]
Thank you.
Someone once told me that it's hard when you have no one that can understand your suffering. I have to live, knowing there are people that will always blame me for what happened to Shuuya-kun, to Emeraude, and so many who would be angered at me for a foolish choice if they ever knew, even though I made that choice because I didn't want a friend to die. You have to live, knowing that there are people that will blame you for the same, that may hate you, because you made a selfish choice... because you didn't want your loved one to die.
...
I don't blame you. Or your special person. Or anyone else. I blame this place, and what it makes us have to do.
[To cause such horrible conflict with each other, to force people to make horrible choices and not be able to talk about them, to leave the burden on the innocent and the well intentioned and the frightened...
It can't be so necessary, for one place to hold so much cruelty.
Her hand gently traces into his hair, staying very still.]
Nii-chan. If people had found them... your person who you knew. If they had found they were guilty. Would you have let them go?
(His answer comes surprisingly quick for someone who'd gone through such trouble to keep that person safe.)
If there was no other choice, I would have.
(He would have pushed to catch Sharon's killer instead. To have them take Hilda's place instead. To protect the people important to him, he would have tried any option he could.)
It's okay to not be okay, Nii-chan. If I... if I had to do what you did, and somebody I cared about had to do such a horrible thing... I wouldn't want them to die, either.
But I think, no matter what happened, no matter how I chose... my heart might always feel like a hole was left behind. For me, and for my special people, and for anybody. There's... there's no answer that doesn't leave someone in pain.
I think... it would be easy, to hate myself for having to make that choice.
(He won't really reach to hold her or anything. It's difficult to feel like he can get a grasp of anything right now after what feels like weeks of that one week recurring over and over. Right now, everything just feels like an accumulation of everything that's gone wrong reaching a tipping point.
But he will lean against her, eyes closed, and just... stay quiet for a moment.
There had been more to Schwann's message.
How far are you willing to go while ignoring the feelings of others? Think carefully about what's most important and whether it's worth it.
Very quietly,)
I can't make everything right. But I want to right what I can.
(Fix what he can. Make things a little more right.)
[To have him be so quiet feels so odd... She can't quite pinpoint his feeling, and part of her knows she will not be able to see that part of him. Some parts of his heart would need to stay secret.
But he's hurting, he's almost apologetic without being regretful about his choice, he's wanting something to change. He's talking.
That's... enough, for now. It's more than enough.]
I can't do it for you, Nii-chan... no matter how much it hurts, I think it's like a river you have to cross, and you might slip and fall and the water might feel like it will drag you away.
But the people who love you so much will be here to make sure you don't drown in your river, Nii-chan. We'll help you up. We'll hold your hand, if you want it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He listens to Hikaru and... well, it's nice to hear that she seems to like Hilda. That's good. He wants the people he likes to like each other but
His finger stops, nail on top of one of the leaves, holding it in place in front of him and
he presses down, nail cutting into the leaf,)
There are people here who are asked to kill each week. I don't think they have much of a choice... or well, I they might be able to refuse but I don't think they would.
(He isn't surprised by a thing Hikaru says. He just explains,)
If they don't, something else happens.
no subject
She tenses, but the fire behind it isn't as strong as it could be, given what she's told him.]
...Like... Shima-kun, then, maybe?
What... happens if they say no?
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(Yes.)
People splinter. They start to lose their memories and I don't mean the same way we usually lose them. They lose them quickly. At first it's just little things... forgetting what you had for breakfast, forgetting why you entered a room... but it gets worse. You forget older memories. Things you can do. Who you are. Eventually, you forget everything until there's nothing left. You're just an empty shell.
And then it spreads to others.
(Nail, digging, splitting the leaf and removing it to see that crescent moon shaped mark,)
The only way to stop the spread is to remove the source. The source of the first disruption. The one that has to die.
no subject
[This... makes sense? It fills in some gaps with alarming ease and it shows on her face, and rather than surprise or horror... all that's left is guilt.]
Then... then Shiro-san... maybe that's why he thought I...
...
[lets just hug the dog tighter SHIRO SAN USED TO SIT WHERE U SIT WEEEEEH
she needs a second]
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Do you remember anything now?
no subject
Do you mean about Shiro-san, or...
[I mean, he obviously doesn't, but you know. She's never been incredibly bright.]
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(He says this certainly,)
That's what happened to me. I started losing memories on Thursday and the next day, I remembered everything I'd forgotten that day.
If you've remembered nothing or just one or two things... I think you were "fine." Shiro had the wrong idea.
no subject
...
Shiro-san just got... really, really concerned when we talked on Thursday, cause I couldn't... I couldn't remember what my name was anymore. He was insisiting that we tell a leader that I was losing a lot more memories. I didn't understand at the time, but...
I... When I saw his note...
...
[No, Claude insisted she should be fine. To worry now, when there wasn't anything she could do but keep going... she knows Shiro wouldn't look kindly on her for feeling like this for his sake.]
Claude... you're sure you're okay now, right?
no subject
He levels his eyes with Hikaru for the first time in what's been a few days, eyes focused on her, bright and sharp,)
This is why we can't tell everyone about this. The more memories we lose, the more desperate everyone gets. They'll start to get the wrong idea.
(Be. Careful. Who. You. Tell. This. To. He doesn't have to say it. He knows Hikaru is a smart girl, even if she can be naive and too open.)
Shiro was wrong. The source has been removed each week. Virid killed Hajime. Shima killed Laine. Whoever was tasked this week killed Yoshizawa. Unless he killed Raven or Sharon, Emet-Selchs hasn't caused anyone here harm.
(He's leaving out one name. Cater.
He also just... doesn't answer Hikaru's question.)
no subject
[It's not a question. She can put two and two together.
...]
Claude...
I'm not gonna tell anybody. The only people that know are Chiron-sensei, Won-san and Xie Lian. One of them... knows about the roles, knows who they are, but couldn't say anything else. I asked them not to pass it along right now to any of those roles, because I... I don't want anyone else to die because of this. Not when there's so much people still don't realize.
But I don't know if they'll listen.
no subject
He runs through the names.
Chiron.
Soo-won.
Xie Lian.
Well, two of them know part of the truth anyway. Two of them had seen him that day. That same day. )
That week... (He speaks uncertainly,) That Thursday. I began to lose my memories. Chiron saw me. I stayed with Xie Lian and Hua Cheng. Both of them know about that.
I stayed with Hua Cheng and Xie Lian that night. (And Raven and Bucky.) But I ran into someone else that night. Someone who knew what was happening to me and they told me they could fix it.
They didn't do it for me. They wouldn't have done it if they weren't told to. I didn't tell them to. Someone else did...
(Not a single name in this story. A nameless character and a nameless power.)
They told me it was Cater and we went our separate ways. I forgot right after but the next day... I remembered everything and I remembered the decision I made in that moment...
(The more he talks, the faster his words become, like his mouth can't keep up with his thoughts. Like there aren't enough words. Like he can't find any of the right ones. What comes out just comes out.
He doesn't give a name. He won't. But the entire time
In the back of his mind
Don't trust Hilda
Don't trust Hilda
Don't trust Hilda)
no subject
Nii-chan... Nii-chan...
[It's quiet repetition as she tightens the blanket against him, trying to meet his eyes. He's speaking so fast, like a bicycle rolling down a hill in danger of flipping its rider right off, like she's watching him fall to pieces in front of her.]
...It's just me, Claude. Just me and nobody else, okay? I won't tell about them, or you. Not even to the people that I talked to before. Not even to Vezda-san or Hilda-chan.
I won't.
[Let him feel safe, just for once.]
no subject
I would do it again. Protect them. Let Kano die. I know it isn't right. People were hurt because of it. When nobles play these games... its innocent people that pay the price. A price that keeps coming back again and again.
If I'd known, I wouldn't have gotten close to any of you. I never... would have let you depend on me. Not when I helped cause so much grief.
no subject
You're just doing exactly what Hansa-san tried to do, Nii-chan. With Emet-Selch-san.
It doesn't have anything to do with being a noble, or being you. Nobody wants the people they love to die for something that shouldn't be their fault... even if they're guilty.
I... know you know that I don't like when you lie. But it's only because I know people only lie to push other people away, you know? And it... hurts, to see Nii-chan hurting. You tried to help us find Sharon-san's killer. You tried to help us figure it out, even if you couldn't do it in a way you could agree with. You've been carrying sadness on your shoulders this whole time, and it's not because you're a bad person, Nii-chan. You're not a person that deserves to be alone for something like this, just because you're scared for somebody important to you.
Shuuya-kun... happened because of a lot of things. Because of you. Because of me. Because of us not paying attention, not finding the right things... and whoever killed Cater-chan... they weren't the only ones that got away.
I... I think, with what you told me, and with what others told me... this is more complicated, than just saying what you did was wrong or right. And people are gonna be mad if they find out. But...
If it wasn't all of my fault, Claude... then it's not all your fault, either.
no subject
The difference is Emet-Selch was innocent. He hadn't gone after anyone once, had he? Hansa was protecting an innocent man. Where as his person wasn't. But she wasn't completely guilty, was she? She'd been told to make her move, put in a situation where she felt like she had to.
Hikaru wouldn't be in trouble if Kano had never been chosen. Well, maybe she would be but it wouldn't be like this, would it? She wouldn't have the guilt of his death on her.
There's just so much he could say. Cracks in logic, things that he can pick at.
And there's no point arguing is, there? That's the kind of person Hikaru is. She's kind. Too kind for this place. Too forgiving. Too gentle. So very accepting. Anything he said would just be countered, wouldn't it? He hates picking fights he can't win. Or fights that aren't worth winning.
So he's quiet and lets her words sit with him. He won't fight them. But he won't accept them either. Not completely.
He leans in, against her hand, against that touch, and
closes his eyes.)
I'm sorry.
(For so, so much.)
no subject
Thank you.
Someone once told me that it's hard when you have no one that can understand your suffering. I have to live, knowing there are people that will always blame me for what happened to Shuuya-kun, to Emeraude, and so many who would be angered at me for a foolish choice if they ever knew, even though I made that choice because I didn't want a friend to die. You have to live, knowing that there are people that will blame you for the same, that may hate you, because you made a selfish choice... because you didn't want your loved one to die.
...
I don't blame you. Or your special person. Or anyone else. I blame this place, and what it makes us have to do.
[To cause such horrible conflict with each other, to force people to make horrible choices and not be able to talk about them, to leave the burden on the innocent and the well intentioned and the frightened...
It can't be so necessary, for one place to hold so much cruelty.
Her hand gently traces into his hair, staying very still.]
Nii-chan. If people had found them... your person who you knew. If they had found they were guilty. Would you have let them go?
no subject
(His answer comes surprisingly quick for someone who'd gone through such trouble to keep that person safe.)
If there was no other choice, I would have.
(He would have pushed to catch Sharon's killer instead. To have them take Hilda's place instead. To protect the people important to him, he would have tried any option he could.)
no subject
...
It's okay to not be okay, Nii-chan. If I... if I had to do what you did, and somebody I cared about had to do such a horrible thing... I wouldn't want them to die, either.
But I think, no matter what happened, no matter how I chose... my heart might always feel like a hole was left behind. For me, and for my special people, and for anybody. There's... there's no answer that doesn't leave someone in pain.
I think... it would be easy, to hate myself for having to make that choice.
no subject
But he will lean against her, eyes closed, and just... stay quiet for a moment.
There had been more to Schwann's message.
How far are you willing to go while ignoring the feelings of others? Think carefully about what's most important and whether it's worth it.
Very quietly,)
I can't make everything right. But I want to right what I can.
(Fix what he can. Make things a little more right.)
no subject
[To have him be so quiet feels so odd... She can't quite pinpoint his feeling, and part of her knows she will not be able to see that part of him. Some parts of his heart would need to stay secret.
But he's hurting, he's almost apologetic without being regretful about his choice, he's wanting something to change. He's talking.
That's... enough, for now. It's more than enough.]
I can't do it for you, Nii-chan... no matter how much it hurts, I think it's like a river you have to cross, and you might slip and fall and the water might feel like it will drag you away.
But the people who love you so much will be here to make sure you don't drown in your river, Nii-chan. We'll help you up. We'll hold your hand, if you want it.